Catharsis
I sit alone at the table looking at my breakfast.It's nothing extraordinary,but for reasons known to me,it looks delicious today.Yet,it is the hardest thing to bring myself to eat it.Every mouthful reminds me of all that I'm going to miss.The noise of the blaring TV that I always complained about.The bawling of the babies in the clinic that would drive me insane.Waking up to the sunlight streaming into my room.Sitting outside reading a book till the light fades away.Talking to my Mom and Dad about nothing at all.Not having to wake up to a bleary annoying alarm.Not having to end my day texting someone and still feeling alone.Not having to eat food that sounds great on paper but not in reality.Not having to worry about all the things I need to take care of:all that I need to buy,the chores that need to be done.A million things.
It might sound like I'm complaining,but I'm actually not.I know I have a blessed life.It's just that I know that one part of it is forever over.That chapter is closed.It'll never be the same again.On some level,I'll always miss that.I feel a sharp pain in my left palm that's almost agonizing and I welcome it.(read P.S for more details:P)
Sherlock once said:"All emotion is abhorrent to me.It's the fly in the ointment,the grit in the sensitive instrument,the crack in the lens." Well,I'm not that much of a Bohemian.But at times,I crave for that.To not feel.To be numb.I want this day to be normal.I just want to say goodbye and leave without feeling a thing.To carry on with my work as if this was just like any other day.That's what it's like for most people ,isn't it? Either that,or they're very good at the charade they put on for other people.Actually, so am I.If it weren't for this blog,no one would guess I feel this way:P Bad idea to write this,eh?
I walk down the street to buy something.As I return,my strides involuntarily quicken into a pace that's punishing.I want to walk so fast and for so long that my legs ache with the pain.Till each breath is just a knife in my lungs.Till I no longer am aware of anything but the burning ache the present step is.Till nothing's left but the sheer exhaustion of it.Just the pain that's almost rewarding.(I sound like a masochist, don't I?:P But this one's true,I swear.Outrun your sorrow/pain/grief.It always works.And the pain you get from the workout is always a pleasure.If you've been there and done that,you'll know exactly what I mean.)
Sadly,I can't afford the luxury of that catharsis now.It'll have to wait for later in the day when I'm no longer busy.
P.S:About the palm--this always happens with me.Emotional pain is always accompanied by a physical manifestation and it's always this.A nerve/vein that runs through my palm like a diagonal hurts immensely.It lasts only while the feeling of acute pain lasts in my head and thankfully,with me, that's not more than a couple of minutes at a stretch:)
I wonder if other people feel this? Let me look it up!Well,this is a surprise.Apparently,a lot of people feel this.One guy even has a theory about a short-circuit between two cranial nerves that could cause this:D
P.P.S:To all my readers out there,I'm not depressed or anything :P It isn't really that bad. Writing involves a certain amount of exaggeration. Also,I'm a fan of the style of writing where the author's thoughts are so powerful that they rise out of the book and hit you.I aspire for that in most of the stuff I write.I want you,Dear Reader to actually feel what I'm writing, as if you were going through it.Realistic,in a word:)
Don't worry about me,I'm good:) Also,I'd love to hear what you think.Especially if that style of writing I was talking about reached through to you.
It might sound like I'm complaining,but I'm actually not.I know I have a blessed life.It's just that I know that one part of it is forever over.That chapter is closed.It'll never be the same again.On some level,I'll always miss that.I feel a sharp pain in my left palm that's almost agonizing and I welcome it.(read P.S for more details:P)
Sherlock once said:"All emotion is abhorrent to me.It's the fly in the ointment,the grit in the sensitive instrument,the crack in the lens." Well,I'm not that much of a Bohemian.But at times,I crave for that.To not feel.To be numb.I want this day to be normal.I just want to say goodbye and leave without feeling a thing.To carry on with my work as if this was just like any other day.That's what it's like for most people ,isn't it? Either that,or they're very good at the charade they put on for other people.Actually, so am I.If it weren't for this blog,no one would guess I feel this way:P Bad idea to write this,eh?
I walk down the street to buy something.As I return,my strides involuntarily quicken into a pace that's punishing.I want to walk so fast and for so long that my legs ache with the pain.Till each breath is just a knife in my lungs.Till I no longer am aware of anything but the burning ache the present step is.Till nothing's left but the sheer exhaustion of it.Just the pain that's almost rewarding.(I sound like a masochist, don't I?:P But this one's true,I swear.Outrun your sorrow/pain/grief.It always works.And the pain you get from the workout is always a pleasure.If you've been there and done that,you'll know exactly what I mean.)
Sadly,I can't afford the luxury of that catharsis now.It'll have to wait for later in the day when I'm no longer busy.
P.S:About the palm--this always happens with me.Emotional pain is always accompanied by a physical manifestation and it's always this.A nerve/vein that runs through my palm like a diagonal hurts immensely.It lasts only while the feeling of acute pain lasts in my head and thankfully,with me, that's not more than a couple of minutes at a stretch:)
I wonder if other people feel this? Let me look it up!Well,this is a surprise.Apparently,a lot of people feel this.One guy even has a theory about a short-circuit between two cranial nerves that could cause this:D
P.P.S:To all my readers out there,I'm not depressed or anything :P It isn't really that bad. Writing involves a certain amount of exaggeration. Also,I'm a fan of the style of writing where the author's thoughts are so powerful that they rise out of the book and hit you.I aspire for that in most of the stuff I write.I want you,Dear Reader to actually feel what I'm writing, as if you were going through it.Realistic,in a word:)
Don't worry about me,I'm good:) Also,I'd love to hear what you think.Especially if that style of writing I was talking about reached through to you.
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