EFML:Shades of grey

There was a time when I saw everything as black or white.Right or wrong.No ambiguity.Simple times.I distinctly remember the first time in life when I couldn't distinguish between right and wrong.I puzzled over it for a long time,without finding the answer.I hated not knowing.It made my clear-cut binary life so complicated.Much much later,the epiphany came:There is no right or wrong.It depends on where you're looking from.When I first understood that,I was shocked.There must be something wrong! If there is no right or wrong,how do I decide! All the careful decision trees my brain used were rendered invalid with this single realisation.My naive mind was in turmoil.

Choices are sometimes the most difficult of things.Let's see,I'll take something from my experience:
I have many ambitions.Things I want to do.Places I want to be in.But all of this requires me to stay away from my parents--the two people who have always loved me.At times,I think,it's a sacrifice I need to make to achieve what I want.After all,if I give up my dreams for them,there will come a point when I regret that decision--causing me to hate them in some way for no fault of theirs.But then,the price I have to pay for my dreams is sometimes too high.I saw my Mom crying yesterday--God knows how she's been all this while.It tore at me that I couldn't be there for her when she needed me the most.All the electronics in this world won't make up for your presence.

I haven't told this to anyone,but deep down I have this fear that time's running out.That one day I'll come back and they'll be gone.(My parents are considerably old-my Dad is 67 and mom 60.My brain which is infamous for worst-case scenarios keeps adding up average life expectancy,family history and comes up with terrible images.)Each time I'm home,I see a weaker,tired version of my parents.My blood runs cold when I think of two years later.Five years later.It's always an if.Never a when.What if I achieve everything I want at the cost of the two people I love the most? Will I be happy? Definitely not.It will all be in vain.

How do I choose? I know I can't have the cake and eat it too.Everyone does.I have to go give up one.But which one?Every damn choice in life that's important is like this. Murphy keeps laughing at you no matter which branch you choose!

It's one line of black at one end and one of white at the other.The whole spectrum in between is filled with grey.

P.S:So,if you're wondering how I decided on this one,it was a compromise.Little of this.Little of that.I stay away from home,but close enough that I could come back--although that last part isn't working out so well.I already have seen the consequences of my choice.But that ship has sailed and I have to live with it.No regrets though.I'd do the same thing even now.

I guess if you asked me how to decide on anything--I'd tell you to go with the choice that leaves you with the least regrets.That boils down to what matters the most to you--but if  you put it that way,for  the life of you,you can't figure out which one matters more:D

P.P.S:This whole choice dilemma idea was triggered by a conversation I had with a friend yesterday.She told me that she'd cut herself off from the rest of the world on her next birthday.No phone.No social presence.Ah,how I've longed to do that exact same thing! The only difference in my version is that I wanted to head to an isolated mountain(freezing temperature,although I'm not sure why that's relevant :P) with a novel and stay there the whole day.

The truth is, not even on one of my birthdays,could I even bring myself to switch off my phone.That's because my birthday isn't just about me.It's about all the people who care.If they weren't able to reach me on that day,very few people would figure out why I did that.Most of them would see it as a reaction to something they could have possibly done and take it personally.They'd be terribly hurt.My people skills might be non-existent,but even I can figure that bit out.I'd never want that much negativity on a day that's supposed to be happy.That's why I've given up my naive wishes and settled for a more normal version of a birthday!

I hope you realise that too.I wasn't able to convince you yesterday,I'm hoping this will:)
Well,actually,I know you.I know exactly what you'll do despite all that you say.I'm waiting for that ice-cream we bet on.And I'm sure I'll get it:D