The Leap of Faith
Dear God,
I write from a place of utter darkness. I see a single ray of light from really really far. But you know the world outside, the one from which that ray of light emanates? That's what I've aspired for since a very long time. I have worked towards it, given it everything I have. The path was never easy. Sometimes, I did not even dare to hope, because it seemed too audacious. I just took a step, and then another, and yet another. Today I stand at a fork in this road--the one that always seems to confront me--complacence, the safer sibling and progress, the riskier one. (This is so very similar to a post I wrote a few months ago: The Waterfall Dilemma.)
I don't really know about the world outside. For all I know, it may be as dismal as the one inside. Yet, it could turn out to be just perfect. I ask myself, what do I lose? At worst, you would end up where you were before. But today, I have something to lose. You see, the last time I made this choice, I had something to fall back upon. A safety net of sorts. And it wasn't all that bad either. But if choose this other path, I will not have that option. It is a free fall all the way. At times, I look at myself and curse, why can't you just settle? Why are you so ambitious? When you have something safe, why do you have to venture out into the unknown? Why isn't what you have ever good enough? why, why, why!
But that's the way I am, I just can't help it. It is always that untrodden path that beckons to me. It seems to call out to my soul like nothing else. I asked a few people today, people who undoubtedly wish me well, just to get an idea of what the general consensus is. I could not even get one of them to tell me to go ahead and take the risk. :( Where are your backup plans? I've run out of backup plans. I honestly don't have any. I am equally petrified of the consequences of my decision. Yet, if I remain cowardly and choose the safer option, I will hate myself forever.
Is it worth it? That remains to be seen. Am I still going to be stupid,naive,trusting and foolish? Yes.
And I have no regrets about it. If I crash and burn, so be it. At least I tried.
Here comes the part where I ask you for a favor. I am taking this leap of faith believing in just one thing. You. My invisible, invincible safety net. Those worst case scenarios scare me, but I treat them just like I treat nightmares. I am immune to them because I don't believe they will come true. I have been through hell in these few weeks, and I have been forced to make all the choices I have never wanted to. There were other safety nets that I could have used had I compromised a little on my ideals. But I did not, because you see, I am both stubborn and foolish. I want to live impeccably. Despite this, there are things I regret, things I really wish I could have done differently. Please forgive me for those. Help me through this, as you always have. I surrender to you all my problems, all my questions, all my uncertainties. I disown them completely, because I am so done with them. My decision is made, and this is what it's going to be. Absolute trust. Because I have done everything I possibly can, and it is time to let go. There are some things beyond me. Those are in your realm. I believe you will make things work. I believe in that with every fiber of my being. With all the conviction I have. I have trusted you to the very edge of the precipice, and now I will go a step further and take that plunge into nothingness. I will do it with absolute calm. While the world might call me a naive dreamer, I believe you will look at me with a different perspective. All I ask of you is that you stay with me. Give me the courage to do this, the resilience to bear all that comes in the way, and the hope to dream of light in absolute darkness. Over and out. Thank you! :)
P.S: A friend gave me this to listen to while I was writing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eY62RfeviuE
If you're ever in a similar situation, do go ahead and listen. Focus on the lyrics, I was told. I will tell you the same :) The translation to English can be found here.
I write from a place of utter darkness. I see a single ray of light from really really far. But you know the world outside, the one from which that ray of light emanates? That's what I've aspired for since a very long time. I have worked towards it, given it everything I have. The path was never easy. Sometimes, I did not even dare to hope, because it seemed too audacious. I just took a step, and then another, and yet another. Today I stand at a fork in this road--the one that always seems to confront me--complacence, the safer sibling and progress, the riskier one. (This is so very similar to a post I wrote a few months ago: The Waterfall Dilemma.)
I don't really know about the world outside. For all I know, it may be as dismal as the one inside. Yet, it could turn out to be just perfect. I ask myself, what do I lose? At worst, you would end up where you were before. But today, I have something to lose. You see, the last time I made this choice, I had something to fall back upon. A safety net of sorts. And it wasn't all that bad either. But if choose this other path, I will not have that option. It is a free fall all the way. At times, I look at myself and curse, why can't you just settle? Why are you so ambitious? When you have something safe, why do you have to venture out into the unknown? Why isn't what you have ever good enough? why, why, why!
But that's the way I am, I just can't help it. It is always that untrodden path that beckons to me. It seems to call out to my soul like nothing else. I asked a few people today, people who undoubtedly wish me well, just to get an idea of what the general consensus is. I could not even get one of them to tell me to go ahead and take the risk. :( Where are your backup plans? I've run out of backup plans. I honestly don't have any. I am equally petrified of the consequences of my decision. Yet, if I remain cowardly and choose the safer option, I will hate myself forever.
Is it worth it? That remains to be seen. Am I still going to be stupid,naive,trusting and foolish? Yes.
And I have no regrets about it. If I crash and burn, so be it. At least I tried.
Here comes the part where I ask you for a favor. I am taking this leap of faith believing in just one thing. You. My invisible, invincible safety net. Those worst case scenarios scare me, but I treat them just like I treat nightmares. I am immune to them because I don't believe they will come true. I have been through hell in these few weeks, and I have been forced to make all the choices I have never wanted to. There were other safety nets that I could have used had I compromised a little on my ideals. But I did not, because you see, I am both stubborn and foolish. I want to live impeccably. Despite this, there are things I regret, things I really wish I could have done differently. Please forgive me for those. Help me through this, as you always have. I surrender to you all my problems, all my questions, all my uncertainties. I disown them completely, because I am so done with them. My decision is made, and this is what it's going to be. Absolute trust. Because I have done everything I possibly can, and it is time to let go. There are some things beyond me. Those are in your realm. I believe you will make things work. I believe in that with every fiber of my being. With all the conviction I have. I have trusted you to the very edge of the precipice, and now I will go a step further and take that plunge into nothingness. I will do it with absolute calm. While the world might call me a naive dreamer, I believe you will look at me with a different perspective. All I ask of you is that you stay with me. Give me the courage to do this, the resilience to bear all that comes in the way, and the hope to dream of light in absolute darkness. Over and out. Thank you! :)
P.S: A friend gave me this to listen to while I was writing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eY62RfeviuE
If you're ever in a similar situation, do go ahead and listen. Focus on the lyrics, I was told. I will tell you the same :) The translation to English can be found here.
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