Melancholic Soliloquy: What of all this uncertainty?
What do I do with those questions that plague me in the middle of the night? How do I answer them? What do I do when , after two hours of watching randomly pointless videos, I still can't silence those voices in my head?
The edge of the waterfall. The point of splendor, the point of no return. Beneath me, water cascades into a magnificent fury of passionate spray and rage. It is the only manifestation of water that almost resembles fire. Awe inspiring in its sheer force. Behind me lies a path well-trodden, much worse for all the wear. It does not even warrant a second glance, for it holds no treasures waiting to be unlocked.Could complacence be any less alluring? My eyes are only on the waterfall, and I cannot take them off anymore than I could stop breathing. Yet, it is not an easy plunge, even more so because I cannot see into the abyss. No matter how hard I look, all I can see is the mist of foam and uncertainty. What lies beneath is shrouded from my eyes, maybe intentionally so. I am petrified of this one step into nothingness, for it might be everything I want and just as easily nothing I want. And I cannot un-take that step--if I choose wrongly, I'll end up as a helpless wreck smashed against the craggy rocks.
I look back now, because that disdained path seems much safer. Maybe I will walk that way, and come back to confront this waterfall another day. When I have more courage, and more conviction. Something at the back of my mind sneers at me "That day is never going to come. It's now or never. You know as well as I do that if you take this path, it will not lead you back here. Take it, but take it with the knowledge that your decisions have consequences. Take it knowing that it's not what you want, but merely the easier choice". I take a step toward the waterfall again, when a voice of the past echoes in my head "I want you to take that step with the utmost conviction, and not merely by negating other choices. I want you to know that it's what you want, and only then take that step. It's the only way you'll survive the drop, for this waterfall is not for people who do not know or are unsure."
If only I could look down and ascertain it was what I wanted, I would only be all too glad to step out into that swirling vortex of all things great and terrifying. But I do not know, and I have no way to find out. If I take the easier way out, I will hate myself every day for the compromise. If only I knew.
Why do other people have it so easy? How do they live an entire life without once coming to a crossroads?
Because they never asked for anything other than easy. Their dreams were simple, and yours were anything but. You only find what you seek and you sought your waterfall. Now deal with it.
I don't even know what it is that I asked for. I only know what it is that I didn't want. And to want something because you don't want everything else and to want something because you truly want it are very different things.
What do I do with those questions that plague me in the middle of the night? What of all this uncertainty?
P.S: I write this, well knowing that uncertainty is a part of life, especially for people who disdain complacence, like me. However, knowing that and being able to weather periods of uncertainty are two very different things. Ideally, I would like my entire life to be a curve where the plateaus of satisfaction quickly turn to boredom and then cause a steep upward spike of progress. Even as I ask for this, I know that that the transition will be anything but smooth and uncertainty is going to be the one demon that haunts me the longest in life. Yet, I hope that someday, some distant utopian day in the future, I'll be able to smile through that and say, I know I'll be fine regardless.
The edge of the waterfall. The point of splendor, the point of no return. Beneath me, water cascades into a magnificent fury of passionate spray and rage. It is the only manifestation of water that almost resembles fire. Awe inspiring in its sheer force. Behind me lies a path well-trodden, much worse for all the wear. It does not even warrant a second glance, for it holds no treasures waiting to be unlocked.Could complacence be any less alluring? My eyes are only on the waterfall, and I cannot take them off anymore than I could stop breathing. Yet, it is not an easy plunge, even more so because I cannot see into the abyss. No matter how hard I look, all I can see is the mist of foam and uncertainty. What lies beneath is shrouded from my eyes, maybe intentionally so. I am petrified of this one step into nothingness, for it might be everything I want and just as easily nothing I want. And I cannot un-take that step--if I choose wrongly, I'll end up as a helpless wreck smashed against the craggy rocks.
I look back now, because that disdained path seems much safer. Maybe I will walk that way, and come back to confront this waterfall another day. When I have more courage, and more conviction. Something at the back of my mind sneers at me "That day is never going to come. It's now or never. You know as well as I do that if you take this path, it will not lead you back here. Take it, but take it with the knowledge that your decisions have consequences. Take it knowing that it's not what you want, but merely the easier choice". I take a step toward the waterfall again, when a voice of the past echoes in my head "I want you to take that step with the utmost conviction, and not merely by negating other choices. I want you to know that it's what you want, and only then take that step. It's the only way you'll survive the drop, for this waterfall is not for people who do not know or are unsure."
Why do other people have it so easy? How do they live an entire life without once coming to a crossroads?
Because they never asked for anything other than easy. Their dreams were simple, and yours were anything but. You only find what you seek and you sought your waterfall. Now deal with it.
I don't even know what it is that I asked for. I only know what it is that I didn't want. And to want something because you don't want everything else and to want something because you truly want it are very different things.
What do I do with those questions that plague me in the middle of the night? What of all this uncertainty?
P.S: I write this, well knowing that uncertainty is a part of life, especially for people who disdain complacence, like me. However, knowing that and being able to weather periods of uncertainty are two very different things. Ideally, I would like my entire life to be a curve where the plateaus of satisfaction quickly turn to boredom and then cause a steep upward spike of progress. Even as I ask for this, I know that that the transition will be anything but smooth and uncertainty is going to be the one demon that haunts me the longest in life. Yet, I hope that someday, some distant utopian day in the future, I'll be able to smile through that and say, I know I'll be fine regardless.
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