Decision log: Trial by fire
Dated 6th Aug,2018
This is something I'm doing for myself and not for my readers. Therefore, pardon me if I'm vaguer than usual and also if everything I'm saying doesn't really make sense to you. You have been warned. :)
There are those times in your life when you arrive at a crossroads of sort, when you are supposed to make a decision. Scratch that. When you are supposed to make a multitude of decisions which are a cascade--your first decision would influence your second and so on. You spend a lot of time thinking about it, and then you reach the point where you decide to ask people who have been there and done that. That's where it gets complicated. People's perspectives are colored--by their own circumstances, experiences and primarily by who they are. Now you listen to all this information, try to compensate for all their biases and get to just the kernel of their opinions. But despite all that, sometimes, it feels wrong, you know? You wonder if you're being naive, because the possibility of a hundred people being wrong is much lesser than one individual(you) being wrong. Should you then listen to the world and leave your own convictions behind?
I was talking to a friend and she said this to me: "Basically, it comes down to this. Do you care more about what people think about you or what you think of yourself? Which is more important for you--to be able to look in the mirror without cringing at yourself or to be able to look other people in the eye?" I was in an impossible situation at that point in time, and was seriously contemplating doing what everyone else would have done. She later consoled me saying "You're doing this for your own good. It's alright. Sometimes, these things need to be done, although they don't feel good." Although that made sense, her initial question got stuck in my mind. I spent a sleepless night thinking about it, and I concluded that my opinion of myself mattered more. But there was no way out in this situation, and I finally fell into Morpheus' arms exhausted and still in turmoil.
The next morning, miraculously enough, a third option presented itself. I chose it, feeling at peace with myself. Little did I know what awaited me. My decision was scorned at by everyone who heard of it, and while I do not crave validation, mass invalidation does something to your confidence. I could not even justify my actions to people, because most of them did not seem to get what I was saying. I felt miserable, and again went through my decision process, wondering if I had erred somewhere. I reached the same conclusion as before: Given my circumstances, I had done what best I could. Yet, I was subject to lectures from literally everyone who knew of my plight, so much so that I decided to withdraw from all human contact and hide myself away for a while. Now, do not get me wrong. I am not complaining about people here, all I'm saying is that sometimes although they have your best interests at heart, their opinions may not be aligned to yours.
It took me a while to get there, but eventually I learnt that it's okay. It's okay to choose the road not taken. It's okay to be given a hundred reasons why you're wrong. It's okay to still believe in your own reasons. It's okay if other people don't agree with you. What matters is just this: Your convictions are strong enough to uphold your decision.
This is something I'm doing for myself and not for my readers. Therefore, pardon me if I'm vaguer than usual and also if everything I'm saying doesn't really make sense to you. You have been warned. :)
There are those times in your life when you arrive at a crossroads of sort, when you are supposed to make a decision. Scratch that. When you are supposed to make a multitude of decisions which are a cascade--your first decision would influence your second and so on. You spend a lot of time thinking about it, and then you reach the point where you decide to ask people who have been there and done that. That's where it gets complicated. People's perspectives are colored--by their own circumstances, experiences and primarily by who they are. Now you listen to all this information, try to compensate for all their biases and get to just the kernel of their opinions. But despite all that, sometimes, it feels wrong, you know? You wonder if you're being naive, because the possibility of a hundred people being wrong is much lesser than one individual(you) being wrong. Should you then listen to the world and leave your own convictions behind?
I was talking to a friend and she said this to me: "Basically, it comes down to this. Do you care more about what people think about you or what you think of yourself? Which is more important for you--to be able to look in the mirror without cringing at yourself or to be able to look other people in the eye?" I was in an impossible situation at that point in time, and was seriously contemplating doing what everyone else would have done. She later consoled me saying "You're doing this for your own good. It's alright. Sometimes, these things need to be done, although they don't feel good." Although that made sense, her initial question got stuck in my mind. I spent a sleepless night thinking about it, and I concluded that my opinion of myself mattered more. But there was no way out in this situation, and I finally fell into Morpheus' arms exhausted and still in turmoil.
The next morning, miraculously enough, a third option presented itself. I chose it, feeling at peace with myself. Little did I know what awaited me. My decision was scorned at by everyone who heard of it, and while I do not crave validation, mass invalidation does something to your confidence. I could not even justify my actions to people, because most of them did not seem to get what I was saying. I felt miserable, and again went through my decision process, wondering if I had erred somewhere. I reached the same conclusion as before: Given my circumstances, I had done what best I could. Yet, I was subject to lectures from literally everyone who knew of my plight, so much so that I decided to withdraw from all human contact and hide myself away for a while. Now, do not get me wrong. I am not complaining about people here, all I'm saying is that sometimes although they have your best interests at heart, their opinions may not be aligned to yours.
It took me a while to get there, but eventually I learnt that it's okay. It's okay to choose the road not taken. It's okay to be given a hundred reasons why you're wrong. It's okay to still believe in your own reasons. It's okay if other people don't agree with you. What matters is just this: Your convictions are strong enough to uphold your decision.
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