Hope against hope

Note:Either treat this as personal and refrain from reading or read imagining it to be fiction.

Does it mean that this could be cancer? He asks her,in a voice that is rich with undertones of worry.

No,it just has to be ruled out. She answers,in the comfortingly evasive manner that physicians choose to answer any question to which the answer is uncertain.

He isn't convinced.Ruling out sounds suspiciously like could be.He asks her:What if it is?What are the consequences?

I push my already plugged in earphones harder into my ears in a desperate attempt to drown out this conversation. I've seen and heard too much. I don't want to know anymore. Ignorance is really bliss.

This hospital feels too familiar for my comfort.I can even remember the ironically optimistic quotes on the staircase landing of every floor. A hundred unwelcome memories that have now been soothed away by the blurry hands of time resurface to the top of my mind. 

There are possibilities I do not even want to contemplate. I will my mind to spin in a tight loop doing nothing.

After a while,I cannot help but stare at her in the rear-view mirror. She's still talking and I can hear reassuring murmurs. How does she do it? After having gone through all that she has,how on earth can she find the words to give someone else hope? The question is stifling in the close corners of my mind.

If I were to pick a book to compare her life to,it would be Les Misérables or Tess of the d'Urbervilles.I simply avoid reading these books because they're too much to take.There's too much pain and suffering in there. If only I could choose not to live reality. 

Yesterday,I wept because all I wanted was normalcy and normalcy was unattainably far from where I stood. Today,I settled for what I have.But life drives a hard bargain.Three pounds of flesh without shedding a drop of blood.

I came here looking for peace and serenity.I have found everything but that.Every instinct I have tells me to run away,but I know that I must stand here and face it. I only need a little strength.A tiny goblet of green shimmering courage.That and your hand to hold,Dear God.

P.S:Of late,it has struck me that almost everything I do to unwind and relax is rooted in denial--it's just forgetting.Transient.I need something that it truly cathartic. 

Also, there are quite a few references to books in this article. But most of them are from obscure books and I'm sure noone will get them :D