Random Rant:The fine line between chivalry and patronising someone
I've been meaning to write about this from a long time.It's part of a larger rant I have about the world and its stereotypes.I've given it a lot of thought over the years;wondering if I'm being obtuse,if I'm looking at it from the wrong perspective.But it's been long enough and I haven't found answers to any of these questions.The answers to my questions are questions again.I think it's time to put these questions out into the world.Maybe someone will come up with the answers.At least,it will get people thinking along the lines of these questions.
This is just a point of view,an opinion.If you think there's something I'm missing out,feel free to point it out to me.I'm amenable to discussing it.
Inspired by a wonderfully written,thought provoking piece I read not quite an hour ago :)
https://constantvigilance.quora.com/Wear-a-Pink-Dress-Watch-a-Rom-Com
Like every other homo sapien with two x chromosomes,I have cribbed about the other half of our species quite a few times.I don't call myself a feminist because that term is increasingly being misused to mean things that don't make sense at all.I also subscribe to the belief that women don't need to fight for their rights because we are born empowered.We don't need someone to certify that men and women are equal.By fighting for our rights,we're implying an inherent weakness and a need to be upheld that is quite contradictory to the said ideal of being an equal.
But all said and done,when you walk out into the world,these ideals fly out the window.You're treated only as good or as bad as the adjacent man is.Which in most cases is quite deplorable.While I could move on to serious issues here,I choose to leave that for another post.Let me restrict this to one tiny facet.
Being chivalrous.It's something that's taken to be a virtue in a man since times immemorial.But is chivalry really so green and glorious? I always remember hating these chivalrous gestures.I never knew why.Wait,don't judge me.Not yet.I'm not done.I'm not one of those total control freaks who hate being helped and consider it highly insulting.I'm human.Very much so.I have no problem accepting help.I'm very grateful to those who help me out.
You know why I hate chivalry?Coz it's most often condescension disguised under this noble name.You can feel someone patronizing you.It is said that more than three-fourths of communication cues are non-verbal.This makes sense.We are, after all, evolved animals.And just like them,we have an instinctive feel for what the other person thinks.We may not really know and acknowledge this,but we feel it nevertheless.
Imagine you were trying to add 9 and 4.And I came up to you and said 13 before you could.Would you call it chivalry? I bet you wouldn't. You would feel terribly insulted.Because my action implies that you are too dumb to do simple arithmetic.That is exactly how I feel.Don't patronise me.I didn't ask to be treated like I'm made of brittle glass.So,do me a favor and don't treat me that way.
I did my due diligence of research before I wrote this up.I read quite a few articles which amount to this:Men are apparently scared to help women now because they would be offended.Therefore,they are in a dilemma--don't help and appear like a jerk versus help and have that mistaken for condescension.Ah,I pity the modern man:P It's quite simple.Help is amazing.Patronising is not.The difference is crystal clear.You might think it's rocket science,but it's not.If your intentions are good,it will show through.Ditto for the opposite.
It hurts to be patronised.On my best days,it leaves me feeling outraged.On my worst,I feel sad for the world we live in.That one condescending look speaks volumes.You've already been dismissed.Nothing you ever do will be good enough.That is not something any of us wants to feel.And in this day and age,it is not something we should be subjected to.
All I ask for is a level playing field.Treat me as you would the next guy,and I'll be happy.
P.S:There's also a reverse stigma here.Reverse chivalry isn't appreciated!As a girl,you're expected to accept help.If you don't,you're labeled stuck up and independent(not good independent,horrible independent:P).Worse still,if you offer help,the world will faint at your feet because it's too much to take.And the poor soul you're offering to help will instantly conclude that you think he's worthless.
Sigh!What a world we live in.To help and be helped comes with a million sub-clauses:D
This is just a point of view,an opinion.If you think there's something I'm missing out,feel free to point it out to me.I'm amenable to discussing it.
Inspired by a wonderfully written,thought provoking piece I read not quite an hour ago :)
https://constantvigilance.quora.com/Wear-a-Pink-Dress-Watch-a-Rom-Com
Like every other homo sapien with two x chromosomes,I have cribbed about the other half of our species quite a few times.I don't call myself a feminist because that term is increasingly being misused to mean things that don't make sense at all.I also subscribe to the belief that women don't need to fight for their rights because we are born empowered.We don't need someone to certify that men and women are equal.By fighting for our rights,we're implying an inherent weakness and a need to be upheld that is quite contradictory to the said ideal of being an equal.
But all said and done,when you walk out into the world,these ideals fly out the window.You're treated only as good or as bad as the adjacent man is.Which in most cases is quite deplorable.While I could move on to serious issues here,I choose to leave that for another post.Let me restrict this to one tiny facet.
Being chivalrous.It's something that's taken to be a virtue in a man since times immemorial.But is chivalry really so green and glorious? I always remember hating these chivalrous gestures.I never knew why.Wait,don't judge me.Not yet.I'm not done.I'm not one of those total control freaks who hate being helped and consider it highly insulting.I'm human.Very much so.I have no problem accepting help.I'm very grateful to those who help me out.
You know why I hate chivalry?Coz it's most often condescension disguised under this noble name.You can feel someone patronizing you.It is said that more than three-fourths of communication cues are non-verbal.This makes sense.We are, after all, evolved animals.And just like them,we have an instinctive feel for what the other person thinks.We may not really know and acknowledge this,but we feel it nevertheless.
Imagine you were trying to add 9 and 4.And I came up to you and said 13 before you could.Would you call it chivalry? I bet you wouldn't. You would feel terribly insulted.Because my action implies that you are too dumb to do simple arithmetic.That is exactly how I feel.Don't patronise me.I didn't ask to be treated like I'm made of brittle glass.So,do me a favor and don't treat me that way.
I did my due diligence of research before I wrote this up.I read quite a few articles which amount to this:Men are apparently scared to help women now because they would be offended.Therefore,they are in a dilemma--don't help and appear like a jerk versus help and have that mistaken for condescension.Ah,I pity the modern man:P It's quite simple.Help is amazing.Patronising is not.The difference is crystal clear.You might think it's rocket science,but it's not.If your intentions are good,it will show through.Ditto for the opposite.
It hurts to be patronised.On my best days,it leaves me feeling outraged.On my worst,I feel sad for the world we live in.That one condescending look speaks volumes.You've already been dismissed.Nothing you ever do will be good enough.That is not something any of us wants to feel.And in this day and age,it is not something we should be subjected to.
All I ask for is a level playing field.Treat me as you would the next guy,and I'll be happy.
P.S:There's also a reverse stigma here.Reverse chivalry isn't appreciated!As a girl,you're expected to accept help.If you don't,you're labeled stuck up and independent(not good independent,horrible independent:P).Worse still,if you offer help,the world will faint at your feet because it's too much to take.And the poor soul you're offering to help will instantly conclude that you think he's worthless.
Sigh!What a world we live in.To help and be helped comes with a million sub-clauses:D
Wow! Very well written!! Every line reminded me of some unpleasant incident from my dreary corporate memories :( Also reminded me of an Op-Ed article that I had shared on FB long time ago. Here's the link to the post: https://www.facebook.com/Chella.BeatrixKiddo/posts/344066122359563
ReplyDeleteRead it when you find time. And thanks for the mention :)
Thank you! That's an amazing article btw. The sad part is, it makes me realize what I've been exposed to is just the tip of the iceberg:(
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