EFML:Quirks of fate
Hello,my blog.Long time no write.We've become familiar strangers:)
Are we all destined to make certain choices in life?Is everything we do part of a greater plan?Is choice an oxymoron?Because if you think of it,how you choose is already programmed into you,meaning that there's only one possible outcome.The other "choices" life offers you are just red-herrings.In reality,it's a Hobson's choice.These are questions I sometimes ponder upon.
I'm an agnostic when it comes to destiny.I haven't yet decided if I believe in it or not.But,there are those times in your life when you feel like everything in the universe is pushing you to do something right?This is about one of those incidents.It almost makes me believe.Almost.
Recently,I've come up with this habit of not noticing the date.It makes life more binary and less fuzzy:P As a result,I had no idea of the date until a mail mentioning some date dropped in and I actually looked at the calendar to get a reference.May 6th, 2017.
Somehow,I remember the dates associated with things in my life.Therefore,I was instantly transported to a year ago,the same date.
I had applied to one single college with my GATE score(pathetic).The college in question looked to me like an oasis does to a parched traveller in a desert.It was my only hope of salvation.I told noone that I had applied.I waited patiently from March till May,hope leading me on.
The morning of 6th dawned.The list of accepted applicants was up on the site.I opened it with my heart in my mouth.Deep down,I somehow believed that I would get accepted.I shall never forget that Ctrl+F in my entire life.My name was not one in those two hundred.Time froze while the news with all its implications sunk in.In that one instant,I was shattered.It was as if the culmination of my entire life was this.That I was worthless.
My parents were waiting close by.With that came the realisation that I had to put on a bold front for them when all I felt was despair.I walked up to them and nonchalantly told them that I didn't get in.I don't know if what I saw reflected in their eyes was just my pain and disappointment or if they really knew how much it mattered to me.
But life is all about carrying on.No matter what.Within a week,I was back to normal.There would be a second list.I still felt I would make it.I waited a month more.
June 6th.It felt like deja vu.I ignored the feeling and opened the list anyway.There was just one number.And it was not mine.
What they say is wrong--Time isn't a a healer.It just makes the emotions vague.The scars are still there.They never heal.This was like reopening an old wound.It feels much worse the second time.They say you should never let a single event define your life.But somehow it did.Maybe I wanted it that much.They say you should never let what other people think of you affect you.But as social beings,we all need approval,at least from one person.And when people who are close to us think badly of us,we fall not only in their opinion but also in our own--for their opinions matter to us.It's like pain reflected manifold.
I couldn't face the world,for I couldn't face myself.I had not let the world down,it was me I let down.
I told noone.I pretended to live the same life,but my hope was gone.I lived in a dark tunnel.There was a possibility of a third list,a possibility I couldn't entertain.I couldn't go through the same agony a third time.That would be killing myself.
Eventually,I started looking at other things I could do.I had an interview lined up and I gave it my heart and soul.I worked for 20 days.I skipped meals and did other things that made no sense to anyone,least of all me.In retrospect,it does a little.
Finally,on the 28th of June,the college put up its third list.I didn't even bother to check,for I remembered the last two times all too well.I went to the interview instead,and got the offer letter.Great company,great profile,great money.
I was shocked.All the while I'd been in this hopeless state that I couldn't take in the fact that something good was happening.I came home and was barely beginning to feel the happiness when I had the stupid idea of checking my mail.
I had an offer letter from the college.Third list.Ten people.I was one.
Maybe you're expecting that I'd be ecstatic after I saw this.Trust me,I wanted to throw something at life then.It was a mockery of everything--like one of these skewed up Mills and Boon dramas where--never mind,I'd rather not make that comparison.:P
It took me one sleepless night,but the balance tilted one way at the end.This was a quirk of fate.I didn't deserve it.It was a one time miracle--the universe aligned this way just so that I could get my dream,even if I wasn't good enough for it.I would be a fool if I were to give it up.
I made my choice and took the road less traveled.One year later,I am where I am now.There are moments when I wonder where the other fork would have led me,for it was equally alluring,if not more.But those are just idle thoughts.I know this was the right choice.And I have no regrets about the it.A million times over and I'd do the same thing.
So what do you think?Is destiny for real?:)
P.S:Weird fun fact:I signed my offer letter at 5.30 pm.The mail from the college was timestamped 5.30 p.m as well.:P
Are we all destined to make certain choices in life?Is everything we do part of a greater plan?Is choice an oxymoron?Because if you think of it,how you choose is already programmed into you,meaning that there's only one possible outcome.The other "choices" life offers you are just red-herrings.In reality,it's a Hobson's choice.These are questions I sometimes ponder upon.
I'm an agnostic when it comes to destiny.I haven't yet decided if I believe in it or not.But,there are those times in your life when you feel like everything in the universe is pushing you to do something right?This is about one of those incidents.It almost makes me believe.Almost.
Recently,I've come up with this habit of not noticing the date.It makes life more binary and less fuzzy:P As a result,I had no idea of the date until a mail mentioning some date dropped in and I actually looked at the calendar to get a reference.May 6th, 2017.
Somehow,I remember the dates associated with things in my life.Therefore,I was instantly transported to a year ago,the same date.
I had applied to one single college with my GATE score(pathetic).The college in question looked to me like an oasis does to a parched traveller in a desert.It was my only hope of salvation.I told noone that I had applied.I waited patiently from March till May,hope leading me on.
The morning of 6th dawned.The list of accepted applicants was up on the site.I opened it with my heart in my mouth.Deep down,I somehow believed that I would get accepted.I shall never forget that Ctrl+F in my entire life.My name was not one in those two hundred.Time froze while the news with all its implications sunk in.In that one instant,I was shattered.It was as if the culmination of my entire life was this.That I was worthless.
My parents were waiting close by.With that came the realisation that I had to put on a bold front for them when all I felt was despair.I walked up to them and nonchalantly told them that I didn't get in.I don't know if what I saw reflected in their eyes was just my pain and disappointment or if they really knew how much it mattered to me.
But life is all about carrying on.No matter what.Within a week,I was back to normal.There would be a second list.I still felt I would make it.I waited a month more.
June 6th.It felt like deja vu.I ignored the feeling and opened the list anyway.There was just one number.And it was not mine.
What they say is wrong--Time isn't a a healer.It just makes the emotions vague.The scars are still there.They never heal.This was like reopening an old wound.It feels much worse the second time.They say you should never let a single event define your life.But somehow it did.Maybe I wanted it that much.They say you should never let what other people think of you affect you.But as social beings,we all need approval,at least from one person.And when people who are close to us think badly of us,we fall not only in their opinion but also in our own--for their opinions matter to us.It's like pain reflected manifold.
I couldn't face the world,for I couldn't face myself.I had not let the world down,it was me I let down.
I told noone.I pretended to live the same life,but my hope was gone.I lived in a dark tunnel.There was a possibility of a third list,a possibility I couldn't entertain.I couldn't go through the same agony a third time.That would be killing myself.
Eventually,I started looking at other things I could do.I had an interview lined up and I gave it my heart and soul.I worked for 20 days.I skipped meals and did other things that made no sense to anyone,least of all me.In retrospect,it does a little.
Finally,on the 28th of June,the college put up its third list.I didn't even bother to check,for I remembered the last two times all too well.I went to the interview instead,and got the offer letter.Great company,great profile,great money.
I was shocked.All the while I'd been in this hopeless state that I couldn't take in the fact that something good was happening.I came home and was barely beginning to feel the happiness when I had the stupid idea of checking my mail.
I had an offer letter from the college.Third list.Ten people.I was one.
Maybe you're expecting that I'd be ecstatic after I saw this.Trust me,I wanted to throw something at life then.It was a mockery of everything--like one of these skewed up Mills and Boon dramas where--never mind,I'd rather not make that comparison.:P
It took me one sleepless night,but the balance tilted one way at the end.This was a quirk of fate.I didn't deserve it.It was a one time miracle--the universe aligned this way just so that I could get my dream,even if I wasn't good enough for it.I would be a fool if I were to give it up.
I made my choice and took the road less traveled.One year later,I am where I am now.There are moments when I wonder where the other fork would have led me,for it was equally alluring,if not more.But those are just idle thoughts.I know this was the right choice.And I have no regrets about the it.A million times over and I'd do the same thing.
So what do you think?Is destiny for real?:)
P.S:Weird fun fact:I signed my offer letter at 5.30 pm.The mail from the college was timestamped 5.30 p.m as well.:P
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