Random Rant: (Not so)Subtle social cues

During a lunch table conversation, a colleague told me that his wife was repeatedly and tremendously annoyed by the fact that the waiter always gave him the bill and not her, even when she was paying for the meal. He mentioned other such instances, where she was infuriated by the ever-so-subtle gestures of the men in this world. Well, she's not alone. This is one of the things that endlessly plagues me, and incidents of the recent past make me want to write this.

Incident one:I went to a friend's wedding with my husband. We walked onstage to congratulate the couple, and the groom was the nearest to me, and my friend on his left. Instinctively, I extended my hand to shake his first...The entire sequence that followed is crystal clear in my mind.The bride put forth her hand assuming I was congratulating her, and the groom was taken aback that I was actually offering to shake his hand. It took two seconds for him to actually proffer his hand and for my friend to retract hers, and those two seconds were awkward enough for my mind to go into a furious spiral. Had I done something wrong? Just because my friend is the bride and I'm a woman, should I not congratulate the groom? I was instantly taken back to my own wedding, where male guests from both my husband's side and mine would come on stage and congratulate my husband, and then move to me, and I would stretch out my hand in anticipation only to realize that they did not intend on extending the gesture to me. There would follow an awkward silence where both me and the guest in question would feel embarrassed. Forget the guys, even a lot of women echoed this behavior where they would merely wish me verbally. If a man-woman handshake is a violation of supposed gender boundaries, then pray tell me, what is this? This happened in rapid succession, and I was trained like a Pavlov's dog till I stopped extending my hand altogether, both to men and women, just to avoid these weird encounters. In retrospect, I realize in consternation that this gesture of mine would have made me appear like the very people I'm criticizing. Ah, the irony! (My husband pointed this out to me in this wedding and told me the groom could have been 'conditioned' not to shake my hand by the hundreds of women guests who preceded me and therefore I shouldn't be mad at him. True that!)

Incident two: My husband wanted to get his car serviced, and I accompanied him to the service center. There was a guy there whose designation said 'service adviser'. He came across as one of those aggressive-persuasive types, and he seemed to know what he was talking about. I wasn't preoccupied and paid attention to what he was saying. But you know what? The guy didn't make eye contact with me, not even for a second of the half-hour interaction. It was perhaps obvious that my husband owned the car, and I am well aware of how much attention a customer-facing individual would pay to who they thought was the 'customer' and the 'decision maker'. This one did not fall into that category though. Amod asked me for my opinion every time he made a choice in front of this dude, and yet he stubbornly refused to acknowledge my presence. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be appalled. Did I seem like an opinionless wallflower to this crowning glory of the male species? Or perhaps a submissive cow in the guise of a wife? I debated about asserting my agency by asking him something and forcing him to confront me, but it did not seem worth my effort or my time. I doubt it would have changed his perception anyway. I chose to walk away, but my fury was still fresh.

Growing up, I was never very aware of these biases, and the occasional time I'd notice it, I would attribute it to the fact that I was still a 'kid'. In college, I thought I was still a 'student'. Maybe people didn't take me seriously enough to consider me an individual. But what excuse can I find now? I'm employed, independent and an adult. And yet, there are so many men who see through me. Who assume that I am incapable,weak,dependent and stupid. Although I usually choose to ignore these behaviors by attributing them to specific idiosyncratic individuals rather than blaming the entire species, it sometimes really really gets to me.

You know that thing in law where they say 'presumed innocent until proven guilty'? It's usually that for men. They are assumed to be capable, strong, independent and intelligent until some action of theirs proves otherwise. But a woman? Presumed guilty unless proven innocent. How many times will a guy mansplain something to me assuming that I'm too dumb to know the answer? How many times will a man refuse to make eye contact with me or involve me in a conversation just because I'm a woman? How many more times do I have to endure these ordeals and grit my teeth through them? I'm tired of the men of this world patronizing me; and one day, one day soon, one of these incidents is going to send me over the edge and unleash all that pent up fury.

To equality, that distant utopian ideal that seems more and more like a dream now! :(