Someday maybe: A procrastinator's prayer
Sometimes I think, I should have been that complacent ambitionless person who is content with everything life throws their way. Sadly or otherwise, I'm not that person. I have dreams-- giant dreams in vivid hue that fill my soul with fire every time I think of them. But I also bear the curse of many a millennial- procrastination. My dreams are always relegated to a mighty dusty shelf in time called "someday".
I dream many dreams, and I know deep down that I can achieve them. I am good enough, strong enough and capable enough. At times, I even get to the stage of meticulous fine-grained planning that involves breaking down a top level goal into achievable smaller chunks. Till this point, I am perfection personified.
And then comes the point where you actually pick up each one of those smaller chunks and execute them. Honest to God, till date, I have almost never done a decent job of that. I say almost because there have been some things I have completed, but never to my satisfaction. Did I forget to mention?-- Yes, I am a victim of that impossible combination of character vice that constitutes procrastination and perfection. Nothing I do is ever good enough for me. On the occasional chance that I overcome this huge barrier of procrastination and actually do something, the perfectionist in me mocks my efforts to no end. Look how clumsy and hopeless a job you've done! If this is your best, why are you even attempting this?
As if this weren't by itself daunting enough, I dream about excelling in various unrelated things. This is my strength, as it is equally my weakness. Many people berate me for not being single-minded, chiding me that breadth always takes away from depth. Their voices taunt me in every single sleepless night, all but convincing me of their truth. Almost, but not quite. This is who I am, this is who I will always be- I am defined by my breadth. I do not want to give up on any of my fascinations, even if they be orthogonal to each other. Even if they don't seem to converge to one top level life goal, as I am told they ideally should. Even if I dread being excellent at nothing and mediocre at many.
I hope and pray that I find the strength to transcend procrastination and stand up to perfection undeterred. I hope that my dreams win over my laziness. I hope that everyday mundanity does not swallow up my creativity. I pray on this dreary Monday, for a victory of passion over complacence, of determination over hopeless hovering, of action over existential meanderings. I pray for these things, because they are my only salvation. My only hope to redeem myself.
I dream many dreams, and I know deep down that I can achieve them. I am good enough, strong enough and capable enough. At times, I even get to the stage of meticulous fine-grained planning that involves breaking down a top level goal into achievable smaller chunks. Till this point, I am perfection personified.
And then comes the point where you actually pick up each one of those smaller chunks and execute them. Honest to God, till date, I have almost never done a decent job of that. I say almost because there have been some things I have completed, but never to my satisfaction. Did I forget to mention?-- Yes, I am a victim of that impossible combination of character vice that constitutes procrastination and perfection. Nothing I do is ever good enough for me. On the occasional chance that I overcome this huge barrier of procrastination and actually do something, the perfectionist in me mocks my efforts to no end. Look how clumsy and hopeless a job you've done! If this is your best, why are you even attempting this?
As if this weren't by itself daunting enough, I dream about excelling in various unrelated things. This is my strength, as it is equally my weakness. Many people berate me for not being single-minded, chiding me that breadth always takes away from depth. Their voices taunt me in every single sleepless night, all but convincing me of their truth. Almost, but not quite. This is who I am, this is who I will always be- I am defined by my breadth. I do not want to give up on any of my fascinations, even if they be orthogonal to each other. Even if they don't seem to converge to one top level life goal, as I am told they ideally should. Even if I dread being excellent at nothing and mediocre at many.
I hope and pray that I find the strength to transcend procrastination and stand up to perfection undeterred. I hope that my dreams win over my laziness. I hope that everyday mundanity does not swallow up my creativity. I pray on this dreary Monday, for a victory of passion over complacence, of determination over hopeless hovering, of action over existential meanderings. I pray for these things, because they are my only salvation. My only hope to redeem myself.
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