EFML:Misadventures in a Concrete Jungle

My life has metamorphosed into a meaningless cycle of staring at computer screens, travel, meals and sleep(this being the high point of any given day). So you find me here, standing in a ramshackle bus where the driver seems to think he's taking us all on an adventure ride of sorts--he brakes, he swerves, he overtakes, he honks--while woebegone passengers like me cling onto poles and hand supports hoping to keep all our bones intact. Amidst this chaos, I attempt to write. You know how good this piece is going to be now ;) Honestly though, if I don't write today, I'm not going to tomorrow either. Not going to write for a couple more months. Therefore I write today, risking a fracture or phone damage :p

This one's going to be on the lighter side. 

There are these people in the world who will get into borderline embarrassing, retrospectively hilarious misadventures the moment they land up at a new place. Yours truly is one of the chosen few.

My first day of work began at 10.30 and would end at 4.30.What could possibly go wrong in six hours,you ask?Wait till you get to the end of this post.:D

I found my way to a forbidding bank of around eight elevators.My nerves were already on edge because I was on time.(You see, my nerves are only soothed when I'm 45 minutes early and most people label you as a freak if you turn up that early!) Before I could look around,one of these aforementioned elevators opened.Not wanting to waste any more time,I quickly got in.My next reaction,obviously,was to look around for the panel with the floor numbers to press.Guess what!There isn't one.The display shows an upward arrow reading 8--which means the darned thing is heading off to the 8th floor.Is this some new magically "smart" lift that's supposed to automatically know where you want to go? I wonder.I scan the walls for some sheet of instructions.I find one:I quickly scan through it.It reads ...blah blah...emergency...blah blah....keep domestic animals on a short leash in the elevator...blah blah.End of file.Seriously!You mention domestic animals but leave out how to use the lift?

Oh,I forgot to mention,there were two other people with me in the lift.My bewilderment must have been obvious(not to mention hilarious) to them.One of them tells me:"That's not how it works.Where do you want to go? " "3rd floor." I stammer feeling like an idiot."Initial days here?"."Yeah"(eyeroll--no I do this for fun everyday).The lift stops at the 8th floor.He barks at me:"Come here.I'll tell you".We all take this noble stand that we don't stereotype people,but accept it--we do.That's a reflex action.So in my head,he was the impatient,annoyed-by-imbeciles kind of guy who thinks any question or answer should be less than 5 syllables.I follow him out,feeling like a country bumpkin.

He strides off to the opposite side without waiting for me while I mentally reward myself on the apt characterization.Before I'm quite there,he says something which sounds to me like "press floor.....blah blah...now go stand there".To add insult to injury,he points out the lift in question to me.And then he's gone.I still have no idea of what he just did or said.You know those people who make you feel like you're brain dead?That's what I felt like--it was as if my brain was processing everything in slow motion while he was some whiz-kid.

I look around and there,right outside is a poster that says:"You are about to enter a destination controlled lift.Please enter floor number on the keypad here.An elevator number will be assigned to you."

Domestic animals on a bloody leash.It was this,this holy grail of information that needed to be inside that lift. :|

Of course,it all makes sense now.It's a nice idea.I spend the rest of my time in the lift thinking about how I would write the algorithm for such a system.

I was introduced to team members and managers and other co-workers--basically an endless list of people after which I scrambled to my desk,quickly opened up Keep and typed out everything I just heard about them(including their names--yeah,my people skills are that pathetic).

I've already mentioned my infamously pathetic hippocampus right? It has no autonomy and I have to manually program it every time I go somewhere.I look around.My desk---reference--huge poster.Fire exit to the extreme left--which is where the restrooms are.Pantry---extreme south.Countless cubicles everywhere else.Cool,got it.

I have already been bestowed with an electronically empowered dog tag so that I can only wander into places I'm supposed to wander into.(I'm talking RFID 'course,but this isn't technical writing so no jargon.Creative euphemisms rock:P) I get a cup of coffee--I have to swipe in and out even for this:|
I wander into the restrooms whose layout is maze-like---turns and doors and doors within turns.You get my point.I lose all sense of orientation by the time I reach the wash-basins.

Here,the tap decides for how long it would like to be on.Wash your hand for two seconds.The water flows on,seemingly mocking you. Isn't enough,you unhygienic brat.Here,wash it for longer.
Try washing your face.The water stops midway.Hey,your face isn't good enough.That's all the water you get.Wow! Smart(sarcastic) campus indeed.

I head out,ready to swipe my card at the exit.Just as I'm about to,someone swipes in at the other side and so the door opens.I instinctively step out,not having swiped.My brain does a double take.Hey,this looks totally new.So do the people.
Shut up,you imbecile.Obviously,it does,since you came in half an hour ago.Ditto for the people.I silence it.

Right...desk-reference-huge poster.Where the hell is the poster?I look around nonplussed.I roam around once down the length of the hall trying to spot the poster.Damn! It seems to have vanished.

And then it dawns on me.I have entered a parallel universe through this wormhole of a washroom.I do not know these people.They are aliens! I want to go back.Stupid washroom was the connection between two offices on the same floor--therefore it had exits at both ends.
Ah,but my wormhole is here.All I need to do is go through and come out the other side.I walk towards the washroom and swipe,but the light remains red.Chagrined,I swipe again before the epiphany hits me.I don't have access to this office.I can't get out because I was never supposed to get in.Evil,evil dog-tag:|

I go through my options:
I have a phone and can call someone from my team.Imagine what they'd think if I did this.Horror of horrors.
I could tell someone in this new office.All of whom I don't know.Which of them should I try?I look around and they all seem glued to their machines,seemingly oblivious to my deer-in-headlights face.
None of these options seem appealing to me.

I lurk around thinking of what to do when someone from this world swipes into the washroom.I pounce on the opportunity,quick as a leopard.Before the door can close,I'm in.That,my friend,is called tailgating.:P

I find my way back carefully this time,the horror still fresh in my mind.I walk in nonchalantly and
noone in my universe has any idea.I feel like one of those movie characters:P

Enough for a day,don't you think?
No.Not by any means.

I head for lunch with these newly-acquainted friends of mine.Post-lunch we're standing in a group trying to make small talk when I see someone waving.It's a girl and I have no idea who she is.I look at her for five seconds and conclude there must be someone right behind me.I turn around but there's noone.She gestures:"I'm talking to you".This makes no sense.I don't know this person.Why is she waving at me like a long lost friend! I decide that it must be my neighbor.I tell her :Hey.Looks like this girl there is waving at you.

Now my entire group turns to look at her.To them,it's obvious she's obvious she's waving at me and they tell me so. I have no idea what to do.One of them tells me:Why don't you go and find out who it is? Sensible.I walk towards the overtly-friendly stranger who greets me with: Hey,you fool,it's me Daphne.Don't you remember me!?

Till then,I didn't.It'd been seven years since I've seen anyone from school.And even then,my brain only came up with how she looked when she was ten or so.I didn't remember much of her after that point.Weird this,you know.This gradual erasure of memories that continuously happens without you realising it.All of a sudden,it hits you like an avalanche.There's a decade of your life that's blurred out and you only remember vague shadows of events and people.

I made the customary small talk and headed back to my group."So you did know her after all?" "Well,what do you know!Turns out I did."

So ended my overtly-eventful first day at work.

It's been ten days since then.As is the way of life,these incidents now seem more hilarious than embarrassing which is why I'm narrating them.Hope you have fun reading this and laughing at my plight:P