Random Rant: On regressive wedding rituals
Disclaimer: I am not an expert on the said topics. However, my exposure, as limited as it is, has been sufficient to provoke my fury.
I have never been a very social person, and attending weddings was never on my list. That being said, it is that phase of life where every one of my friends seems to be getting married, and that has forced me to turn up to a multitude of such events. Most of the weddings I've attended have been South Indian, hence my chosen examples are from there too- however, I'm sure they are prevalent in other forms in other cultures across the country, and maybe even in some outside.
Let's start with this ritual that's called Kashi Yatra. For the uninitiated, let me explain. Right before the wedding begins, the groom decides that he doesn't want to get married and would be better off going on a holy pilgrimage to Kashi and embracing sanyaas. He picks up an umbrella and other apparently necessary paraphernalia to commence this so called holy journey of his. He starts to walk out. The bride's father/brother follow and persuade him not to leave, begging him to marry the bride and talking him into it. They then wash the feet of the groom and take him back to the mandap.
Tell me honestly, how does this sound to you? I had previously heard about this, but I was horrified when I watched it for the first time, which was roughly two years ago at a friend's wedding. How is this accepted in a union of two equals? How is the bride supposed to feel about this whole ritual?- firstly that her future husband would rather run away to Kashi than marry her, and secondly that her close family has to wash the groom's feet and dissuade him from the idea? Doesn't this signify that he is forced into the marriage? Or probably that he's marrying her for the "gifts" that her parents are giving him to dissuade the thoughts of his holy pilgrimage? This must do wonders for her sense of self-worth!(sarcasm in case you didn't realize!) What would she feel to see her father wash the feet of the one she's about to marry in front of a plethora of people- friends, relatives and family? How is this a display of anything but patriarchy? It is as far from equality as anything can get, and it saddens me to see it.
Before I go further, let me combat a few imaginary but predictable responses to my argument.
Of course, there's one faction of people who argue that these are part of our "culture" and "tradition" and that we need to follow it without question. The blind followers.
>> I will not even get into trying to convince this section of people, because they are beyond reason.
Second, the set of people who argue that the ritual made sense in historic times when it was framed.
>> No, it did not. It didn't make sense then, doesn't make sense now, and never will, so don't give me that.
Third, the wonderful people of today, the educated, well-aware youth who claim that they do it for fun and that it doesn't "mean" anything.
>> Oh, but it does! Dig up some research on psychology, and you'll find immediately what researchers say about this. Something as seemingly inconsequential as a gender biased game developed for a boy/girl child can change a kid's perspective on societal norms.And you are naive enough to think that a social display on this grand a scale wouldn't? You are setting really wrong precedents by doing this, and if your excuse is that you didn't know about it, it's just not good enough.
Hell, if the dude really wanted to go on a pilgrimage, he could have done so. It's a free world. And remember, so can the bride. But no, we'd never have that reversed ritual, because it would offend the unicorns that are the "guy's side" and all the other folks who subscribe to this notion. (For once, someone should let the bloke walk off without persuading him or washing his blessed feet! :P Let's see how well the actual Kashi Yatra goes, I say.)
Kanyadaan- the second major thing that makes me cringe. Again, a quick overview- this is where the father "gives away" his daughter to the groom, which apparently symbolizes that she goes from being her father's property to her husband's and that he is now responsible for her well-being. Don't even get me started on this. Is a daughter an object that you give away? Do you think she possesses no agency and needs a man- either a father/husband-to take care of her? How misogynistic is this?
If you tell me that it's about the emotional moment that a father bestows his beloved child to another, then I ask you, is the groom not beloved? Why don't his parents entrust him to the bride, asking her to protect and care for him? Because in this patriarchal framework, seeing a woman as a protector of a man is just about impossible. Most people cannot even imagine it.
I have picked out a teeny tiny tip of the iceberg for you to see--my point is not confined to wedding rituals alone. It is about all those nuances that we accept without questioning- societal practices that stereotype men and women into rigid archaic moulds. It is about the household help who look at me and ask for my husband when they want to negotiate their salary. It is about the sales reps who always make eye contact with my husband while rattling off the technical specs of a product. It is about all the waiters who refuse to give me a menu or a bill. It is about all the forms in India that ask for my husband/father's name- as if my identity does not exist without them. It is about a million other things.
We cannot proclaim equality and continue with rituals that symbolize patriarchy. Equality will never be achieved that way. We can only get there by questioning each of those tiny behaviors that speak of gender bias and weed them out. I concede here that it is not going to be easy. My readers might belong to orthodox families who deem these rituals necessary, and sometimes avoiding conflict seems the easier way out. Yet, I beg of you, do whatever you can. You need not turn into a rebel overnight, start out by refusing to be a participant in what you see as blatant discrimination. Maybe prior to that, open your eyes and start being aware of such behaviors that are part of our society. Even if you accomplish only a tiny step forward, it is worth it, because we would be better off than we are today.
P.S: Just to clarify, I didn't have most of these rituals at my own wedding. But then, my husband thinks on very similar lines on this topic, so it was fairly easy for me :)
I have never been a very social person, and attending weddings was never on my list. That being said, it is that phase of life where every one of my friends seems to be getting married, and that has forced me to turn up to a multitude of such events. Most of the weddings I've attended have been South Indian, hence my chosen examples are from there too- however, I'm sure they are prevalent in other forms in other cultures across the country, and maybe even in some outside.
Tell me honestly, how does this sound to you? I had previously heard about this, but I was horrified when I watched it for the first time, which was roughly two years ago at a friend's wedding. How is this accepted in a union of two equals? How is the bride supposed to feel about this whole ritual?- firstly that her future husband would rather run away to Kashi than marry her, and secondly that her close family has to wash the groom's feet and dissuade him from the idea? Doesn't this signify that he is forced into the marriage? Or probably that he's marrying her for the "gifts" that her parents are giving him to dissuade the thoughts of his holy pilgrimage? This must do wonders for her sense of self-worth!(sarcasm in case you didn't realize!) What would she feel to see her father wash the feet of the one she's about to marry in front of a plethora of people- friends, relatives and family? How is this a display of anything but patriarchy? It is as far from equality as anything can get, and it saddens me to see it.
Before I go further, let me combat a few imaginary but predictable responses to my argument.
Of course, there's one faction of people who argue that these are part of our "culture" and "tradition" and that we need to follow it without question. The blind followers.
>> I will not even get into trying to convince this section of people, because they are beyond reason.
Second, the set of people who argue that the ritual made sense in historic times when it was framed.
>> No, it did not. It didn't make sense then, doesn't make sense now, and never will, so don't give me that.
Third, the wonderful people of today, the educated, well-aware youth who claim that they do it for fun and that it doesn't "mean" anything.
>> Oh, but it does! Dig up some research on psychology, and you'll find immediately what researchers say about this. Something as seemingly inconsequential as a gender biased game developed for a boy/girl child can change a kid's perspective on societal norms.And you are naive enough to think that a social display on this grand a scale wouldn't? You are setting really wrong precedents by doing this, and if your excuse is that you didn't know about it, it's just not good enough.
Hell, if the dude really wanted to go on a pilgrimage, he could have done so. It's a free world. And remember, so can the bride. But no, we'd never have that reversed ritual, because it would offend the unicorns that are the "guy's side" and all the other folks who subscribe to this notion. (For once, someone should let the bloke walk off without persuading him or washing his blessed feet! :P Let's see how well the actual Kashi Yatra goes, I say.)
Kanyadaan- the second major thing that makes me cringe. Again, a quick overview- this is where the father "gives away" his daughter to the groom, which apparently symbolizes that she goes from being her father's property to her husband's and that he is now responsible for her well-being. Don't even get me started on this. Is a daughter an object that you give away? Do you think she possesses no agency and needs a man- either a father/husband-to take care of her? How misogynistic is this?
If you tell me that it's about the emotional moment that a father bestows his beloved child to another, then I ask you, is the groom not beloved? Why don't his parents entrust him to the bride, asking her to protect and care for him? Because in this patriarchal framework, seeing a woman as a protector of a man is just about impossible. Most people cannot even imagine it.
I have picked out a teeny tiny tip of the iceberg for you to see--my point is not confined to wedding rituals alone. It is about all those nuances that we accept without questioning- societal practices that stereotype men and women into rigid archaic moulds. It is about the household help who look at me and ask for my husband when they want to negotiate their salary. It is about the sales reps who always make eye contact with my husband while rattling off the technical specs of a product. It is about all the waiters who refuse to give me a menu or a bill. It is about all the forms in India that ask for my husband/father's name- as if my identity does not exist without them. It is about a million other things.
We cannot proclaim equality and continue with rituals that symbolize patriarchy. Equality will never be achieved that way. We can only get there by questioning each of those tiny behaviors that speak of gender bias and weed them out. I concede here that it is not going to be easy. My readers might belong to orthodox families who deem these rituals necessary, and sometimes avoiding conflict seems the easier way out. Yet, I beg of you, do whatever you can. You need not turn into a rebel overnight, start out by refusing to be a participant in what you see as blatant discrimination. Maybe prior to that, open your eyes and start being aware of such behaviors that are part of our society. Even if you accomplish only a tiny step forward, it is worth it, because we would be better off than we are today.
P.S: Just to clarify, I didn't have most of these rituals at my own wedding. But then, my husband thinks on very similar lines on this topic, so it was fairly easy for me :)
You just out my thoughts to words. Very well written.
ReplyDeletePleased to hear that! :)
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