Amygdala speaks: On cognitive restructuring and positivity bias
My regular readers will recall that I mentioned in my previous article that I'd be writing about re-framing and story building. Here comes that post!
My previous post was intended to be an example of cognitive restructuring-- I narrated the same story with two diametrically opposite points of view, and you could see the humongous difference that made. For anyone who wants to read that, here's the link. I'd been thinking of calling this re-framing, but there's a technical term for it in psychology, and I'm going to use that here: Cognitive restructuring. All jargon aside though, I'm only trying to convey the importance of perspective. When I started out writing on this blog, more than 3 years ago, my very first hello world post was on perspective and how it can magically change things. I am of the same opinion today, but my thoughts have been distilled into a clearer and more articulate version now.
One morning a couple of months ago, I was scrolling through my email when something in my Medium feed caught my eye. It was a post claiming to have the answer for a happy marriage. As someone who'd been married for half a year, I simply couldn't resist reading it. It said that one must treat his/her spouse the way one treats a best friend. An interesting excerpt from the article:
Think about it: when you identify your partner as a best friend before a spouse, positive thoughts about him/her become overwhelming disproportionate to the negative thoughts. If you meet a friend for lunch and she forgot to order your sandwich without onion, would you give her “the look” or start shouting about how “selfish and inconsiderate” she is for not remembering the way you like your sandwich? Of course not; you would you pick off the onions, make a joke about onion breath at the office, and thank her for buying lunch.The positivity bias of a friendship makes it easy to look past mistakes or small frustrations. Positivity bias occurs when a relationship has had so many positive interactions that negative interactions can be chalked up to an anomaly.
I contemplated over this, and it seemed like the perfect answer. I stowed this piece of knowledge away in memory, and hoped it'd get called as part of the interrupt handler for when I got mad at my spouse. Anyway, this post isn't about marriage.(Maybe I'll get back to using cognitive restructuring in marriage in a later post).
I'd like you to reflect on this example, Dear Reader. It really is that simple. Life is about perspective. Just that. All our reactions are primarily driven by perspective. Hence, the way you look at your life is of utmost importance. A few personal examples:
If I screwed up even a tiny thing, I'd blame myself for it and cringe: How could I not see that coming? I should have. I'm useless. My life is a series of bad decisions.
With the knowledge I had at the time, this was the best decision I could have taken. I did my due diligence. If something still goes wrong, then there is no point in blaming myself. Hindsight is always 20/20. You live and learn!
I'm not good enough to do something. I'd be very reluctant to try certain things because I'd be sure I wouldn't make the cut.
How do you define good enough? Because seriously, there's no such thing. There's only passion and hard work. You live only once, and it's important to try anything you really aspire to. It's alright if it doesn't work out. There's more to life!
When something went badly, it would almost shatter me. I'd deal with feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. I'd question successes from my entire life, attributing all those to sheer luck--basically impostor's syndrome.
This is about how well something fits you. Think about it this way. If you're trying on clothes and they don't fit, do you try to change yourself or the garment? Likewise. Certain things are good fits and others are not. It is important that you do not let such things scar you or leave you questioning everything you are.
Whatever incidents happens in life, spend time thinking about them. Reflect on them, realize from them the mistakes you have made. But remember, do not frame it negatively. The more you do this, the more it will eat away at you. The more you will feel out of control. The more you will feel like a victim of your circumstances.
You need to build your story. This is a fun thing to do, because it involves a lot of your creativity. Take the events of your life, and connect the dots. Explain to yourself the successes and the failures, why they happened, and how you dealt with them. The stronger you build this, the more coherent your mental image of you becomes. This helps build a very strong foundation of resilience.
The same applies to people. Any relationship that has a positivity bias will survive, because it will involve mutual empathy. You will put yourself in the other person's shoes and explain away any negativity. Things will be much smoother. On the other hand, a relationship with an absence of positivity bias will lead you to paint a darker picture of the other person. You will end up interpreting any mistakes in a negative manner, attributing them to a deliberate intention to hurt. This can sour a relationship really fast, because once you take on this perspective, there is no coming back. Everything looks bleak and dreary, and you can never escape the curse of second guessing the motive behind every action.
The nicest people are those who work with a positivity bias. They always understand you better, and behave with a greater degree of empathy than other people.
Cognitive restructuring is an important habit to cultivate especially because it will go a long way in boosting mental well-being. Try it out, and do let me know how it goes! :)
P.S: Apologies for the scattered writing. This has been in my drafts for too long, and I no longer can write with the original intensity that I intended for this piece!
A special mention to Amod for introducing me to this habit and showing me how it could benefit me.
If I screwed up even a tiny thing, I'd blame myself for it and cringe: How could I not see that coming? I should have. I'm useless. My life is a series of bad decisions.
With the knowledge I had at the time, this was the best decision I could have taken. I did my due diligence. If something still goes wrong, then there is no point in blaming myself. Hindsight is always 20/20. You live and learn!
I'm not good enough to do something. I'd be very reluctant to try certain things because I'd be sure I wouldn't make the cut.
How do you define good enough? Because seriously, there's no such thing. There's only passion and hard work. You live only once, and it's important to try anything you really aspire to. It's alright if it doesn't work out. There's more to life!
When something went badly, it would almost shatter me. I'd deal with feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. I'd question successes from my entire life, attributing all those to sheer luck--basically impostor's syndrome.
This is about how well something fits you. Think about it this way. If you're trying on clothes and they don't fit, do you try to change yourself or the garment? Likewise. Certain things are good fits and others are not. It is important that you do not let such things scar you or leave you questioning everything you are.
Whatever incidents happens in life, spend time thinking about them. Reflect on them, realize from them the mistakes you have made. But remember, do not frame it negatively. The more you do this, the more it will eat away at you. The more you will feel out of control. The more you will feel like a victim of your circumstances.
You need to build your story. This is a fun thing to do, because it involves a lot of your creativity. Take the events of your life, and connect the dots. Explain to yourself the successes and the failures, why they happened, and how you dealt with them. The stronger you build this, the more coherent your mental image of you becomes. This helps build a very strong foundation of resilience.
The same applies to people. Any relationship that has a positivity bias will survive, because it will involve mutual empathy. You will put yourself in the other person's shoes and explain away any negativity. Things will be much smoother. On the other hand, a relationship with an absence of positivity bias will lead you to paint a darker picture of the other person. You will end up interpreting any mistakes in a negative manner, attributing them to a deliberate intention to hurt. This can sour a relationship really fast, because once you take on this perspective, there is no coming back. Everything looks bleak and dreary, and you can never escape the curse of second guessing the motive behind every action.
The nicest people are those who work with a positivity bias. They always understand you better, and behave with a greater degree of empathy than other people.
Cognitive restructuring is an important habit to cultivate especially because it will go a long way in boosting mental well-being. Try it out, and do let me know how it goes! :)
P.S: Apologies for the scattered writing. This has been in my drafts for too long, and I no longer can write with the original intensity that I intended for this piece!
A special mention to Amod for introducing me to this habit and showing me how it could benefit me.
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