The lockdown journal: If absence makes the heart grow fonder, what does forced proximity do to it?*
Several of my friends and acquaintances confessed to me in trepidation of the lockdown: 24/7 with my sibling/roommate/spouse. We're going to kill each other, for sure!
One of the consequences of the lockdown is that all of us are now forced to stay at home for an extended period without much of a choice. There are quite a few articles published on the alarming spike in divorce/separation following an epidemic. It is therefore that people are genuinely worried about the jeopardy of peace on the home front. I will confess to you, I too was one of those people. In the one year and odd months of married life, the longest uninterrupted time I have spent in my husband's company is 10 days, and that too on a relaxing vacation. My everyday routine had been to bid goodbye to my husband at 6.30 in the morning, and then greet him when he came home more than 14 hours later.
What would it be like to work together, sharing the same space? What would it be like to have to divide all the chores, day in and day out? I wondered if we would get more acrimonious as time passed, if we would start quibbling over each other's annoying habits. Today marks 31 days of lockdown, and I am hugely relieved that it hasn't come to that. We are still on good terms with each other, and amicably dealing with any issues that come our way. I hope that it stays this way, and I am continuously putting effort into ensuring that it does.
Maybe some of my experiences will benefit you and help you deal with a similar situation of yours, Reader. I share them with you in that hope.
Take your cues from non-verbal signals: When my husband first introduced me to dogs, I was very jumpy around them. Everything they did would startle me, whereas my husband would be the epitome of calm. I asked of him: How do you do that? He told me: I can understand their behavior. I can read with reasonably accuracy what they're trying to convey, and what they'd do next. So I act accordingly.
People are not very different(in this aspect at least). Once you know them fairly well, it becomes easy to "read" them. Take your cues from there, and react accordingly. If you see that partner wants a bit of space, give them that. If they seem to be a little annoyed and on the edge, stay away from trigger topics. If they seem sad or gloomy, talk to them about why they're feeling down. Give them what they need, and teach them to do the same for you. When we get reactions that are consistent and empathetic with our state of mind, we are more likely to be reasonable in our behavior. When the opposite happens, arguments are inevitable. For instance, if you are having a terrible time at work and your partner points out that you haven't done the dishes in two days, you are very likely to snap at them. If on the other hand, they address what's bothering you at work and talk you through it, you are likely to consequently apologize about the overdue dishes and do them.
Different needs, dealing with conflict: As different people, we have different needs. Different coping mechanisms. For instance, you might want to stay as close to your partner as possible because it soothes your feelings of anxiety. Your partner, on the other hand, might be feeling cloistered by constantly sharing space. As a result, when you reach out for a hug, they might push you away, leading to mutual ill feelings. 'So clingy. We're already in the same room, isn't that enough?' 'So emotionally distant. I'm feeling low, and I can't even get a hug?' This is why it is important to know each other, to understand each other's needs and ensure that both are met, even if they are seemingly contradictory. Communication-honest,open and non-confrontational-is key.
For instance, my partner likes a cave-like room with no light when he's trying to relax: picture closed curtains and windows. I prefer open curtains and windows, and bright light gives me a very positive feeling. This seemed like a problem with the one bedroom we had. After some discussion, we figured out that he doesn't like direct light hitting his face. We now open a window that sheds light in a parallel direction. I have my light, he has his darkness.
Check-ins, day-in-review conversations: In normal times, we used to ask each other in the evening how our day was. The first time I asked my husband How was your day? during the lockdown, he laughed. I've been next to you for the whole day. But I persist in this habit, because sharing physical space doesn't mean that you're emotionally aligned as well. It is possible to inhabit the same room and have entirely different experiences. In fact, by inhabiting the same space, we fall into the dangerous precedent of assuming we're connected more than we are. I ask this question everyday, after a weekend, every now and then, and I don't usually take a one word answer. I always learn something from the responses I get, something that I did not previously know and something that helps me formulate and attune my behavior.
Establish rituals of happiness and connection: This was a great read for me: How to keep quarantine from ruining your marriage. Even before I knew the theory and science behind all this, I have unconsciously worked at creating such mini-rituals, at tailoring and customizing everyday routines into predictable patterns that exude warmth, comfort and love. In this time, I'm trying to setup many more of these, because they provide a strong affirmation of positivity. For example, playing scrabble and making pasta are both rituals that I have personally adopted with my husband. A ritual doesn't have to be something exotic or complicated: It could be something as simple as sharing conversation over morning coffee everyday.It could be exercising together. It just needs to be a meaningful time of togetherness and communion, as opposed to the bleak picture of people forced to share space. I also look at this time that we have together as a rare opportunity, and hitherto unavailable options are now in the realm of possibility.
Rules are good, but being nice comes first: It is great to have perfect division of labor, decide who does what in advance. But be nice whenever possible. Cut your partner some slack. When they have sick days, or feel exhausted, be thoughtful enough pick up some of their chores. If they have an early morning meeting, they would definitely appreciate you offering to make coffee/breakfast. After all, wouldn't you like the same courtesy extended to you when you need it? I really appreciate when I'm restlessly tossing in bed unable to sleep, and my husband tries to talk to me and soothe me, instead of snapping at me that it's past our agreed bedtime and that he's unable to sleep due to my restlessness. It is the small gestures that make all the difference.
Relive the good times: What better time than now to take a trip down memory lane together? Look at your wedding video once again, recall what it felt like. Talk about the memories from your first trip, from your most recent trip. Share with each other the memories of your favorite places, favorite foods and favorite experiences. If you are the kind who write to each other, pull up some of those old letters and read them together. Also remember to make new memories: share a freshly cooked meal, watch a favorite movie together, the possibilities are yours to explore. All of this will give you a boost of happiness, and remind you of the magical relationship you have.
Lastly, it is completely normal to feel annoyed with your partner or to have arguments. It does not mean that you love them any less, or that you are a bad human being. That being said, relationships are a lot of hard work. Contrary to popular lore, strong marriages are not born, they are built from the ground. If you feel you have a relationship worth preserving, you must work constantly into keeping it that way, and making it even stronger.
I wish you an amicable lockdown, a voyage of discovery with whoever you're living with. And if you're living with yourself, I hope you go on that voyage with yourself, for who better to invest in and love?. :)
*Title credits: Unknown, I vaguely remember reading an article with this title, but am unable to place it. The title is not my own though.
One of the consequences of the lockdown is that all of us are now forced to stay at home for an extended period without much of a choice. There are quite a few articles published on the alarming spike in divorce/separation following an epidemic. It is therefore that people are genuinely worried about the jeopardy of peace on the home front. I will confess to you, I too was one of those people. In the one year and odd months of married life, the longest uninterrupted time I have spent in my husband's company is 10 days, and that too on a relaxing vacation. My everyday routine had been to bid goodbye to my husband at 6.30 in the morning, and then greet him when he came home more than 14 hours later.
What would it be like to work together, sharing the same space? What would it be like to have to divide all the chores, day in and day out? I wondered if we would get more acrimonious as time passed, if we would start quibbling over each other's annoying habits. Today marks 31 days of lockdown, and I am hugely relieved that it hasn't come to that. We are still on good terms with each other, and amicably dealing with any issues that come our way. I hope that it stays this way, and I am continuously putting effort into ensuring that it does.
Maybe some of my experiences will benefit you and help you deal with a similar situation of yours, Reader. I share them with you in that hope.
Take your cues from non-verbal signals: When my husband first introduced me to dogs, I was very jumpy around them. Everything they did would startle me, whereas my husband would be the epitome of calm. I asked of him: How do you do that? He told me: I can understand their behavior. I can read with reasonably accuracy what they're trying to convey, and what they'd do next. So I act accordingly.
People are not very different(in this aspect at least). Once you know them fairly well, it becomes easy to "read" them. Take your cues from there, and react accordingly. If you see that partner wants a bit of space, give them that. If they seem to be a little annoyed and on the edge, stay away from trigger topics. If they seem sad or gloomy, talk to them about why they're feeling down. Give them what they need, and teach them to do the same for you. When we get reactions that are consistent and empathetic with our state of mind, we are more likely to be reasonable in our behavior. When the opposite happens, arguments are inevitable. For instance, if you are having a terrible time at work and your partner points out that you haven't done the dishes in two days, you are very likely to snap at them. If on the other hand, they address what's bothering you at work and talk you through it, you are likely to consequently apologize about the overdue dishes and do them.
Different needs, dealing with conflict: As different people, we have different needs. Different coping mechanisms. For instance, you might want to stay as close to your partner as possible because it soothes your feelings of anxiety. Your partner, on the other hand, might be feeling cloistered by constantly sharing space. As a result, when you reach out for a hug, they might push you away, leading to mutual ill feelings. 'So clingy. We're already in the same room, isn't that enough?' 'So emotionally distant. I'm feeling low, and I can't even get a hug?' This is why it is important to know each other, to understand each other's needs and ensure that both are met, even if they are seemingly contradictory. Communication-honest,open and non-confrontational-is key.
For instance, my partner likes a cave-like room with no light when he's trying to relax: picture closed curtains and windows. I prefer open curtains and windows, and bright light gives me a very positive feeling. This seemed like a problem with the one bedroom we had. After some discussion, we figured out that he doesn't like direct light hitting his face. We now open a window that sheds light in a parallel direction. I have my light, he has his darkness.
Check-ins, day-in-review conversations: In normal times, we used to ask each other in the evening how our day was. The first time I asked my husband How was your day? during the lockdown, he laughed. I've been next to you for the whole day. But I persist in this habit, because sharing physical space doesn't mean that you're emotionally aligned as well. It is possible to inhabit the same room and have entirely different experiences. In fact, by inhabiting the same space, we fall into the dangerous precedent of assuming we're connected more than we are. I ask this question everyday, after a weekend, every now and then, and I don't usually take a one word answer. I always learn something from the responses I get, something that I did not previously know and something that helps me formulate and attune my behavior.
Establish rituals of happiness and connection: This was a great read for me: How to keep quarantine from ruining your marriage. Even before I knew the theory and science behind all this, I have unconsciously worked at creating such mini-rituals, at tailoring and customizing everyday routines into predictable patterns that exude warmth, comfort and love. In this time, I'm trying to setup many more of these, because they provide a strong affirmation of positivity. For example, playing scrabble and making pasta are both rituals that I have personally adopted with my husband. A ritual doesn't have to be something exotic or complicated: It could be something as simple as sharing conversation over morning coffee everyday.It could be exercising together. It just needs to be a meaningful time of togetherness and communion, as opposed to the bleak picture of people forced to share space. I also look at this time that we have together as a rare opportunity, and hitherto unavailable options are now in the realm of possibility.
Rules are good, but being nice comes first: It is great to have perfect division of labor, decide who does what in advance. But be nice whenever possible. Cut your partner some slack. When they have sick days, or feel exhausted, be thoughtful enough pick up some of their chores. If they have an early morning meeting, they would definitely appreciate you offering to make coffee/breakfast. After all, wouldn't you like the same courtesy extended to you when you need it? I really appreciate when I'm restlessly tossing in bed unable to sleep, and my husband tries to talk to me and soothe me, instead of snapping at me that it's past our agreed bedtime and that he's unable to sleep due to my restlessness. It is the small gestures that make all the difference.
Relive the good times: What better time than now to take a trip down memory lane together? Look at your wedding video once again, recall what it felt like. Talk about the memories from your first trip, from your most recent trip. Share with each other the memories of your favorite places, favorite foods and favorite experiences. If you are the kind who write to each other, pull up some of those old letters and read them together. Also remember to make new memories: share a freshly cooked meal, watch a favorite movie together, the possibilities are yours to explore. All of this will give you a boost of happiness, and remind you of the magical relationship you have.
Lastly, it is completely normal to feel annoyed with your partner or to have arguments. It does not mean that you love them any less, or that you are a bad human being. That being said, relationships are a lot of hard work. Contrary to popular lore, strong marriages are not born, they are built from the ground. If you feel you have a relationship worth preserving, you must work constantly into keeping it that way, and making it even stronger.
I wish you an amicable lockdown, a voyage of discovery with whoever you're living with. And if you're living with yourself, I hope you go on that voyage with yourself, for who better to invest in and love?. :)
*Title credits: Unknown, I vaguely remember reading an article with this title, but am unable to place it. The title is not my own though.
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