On dealing with self-doubt

A friend told me this morning that one of her friends had headed over to my blog looking for something inspiring. And I'll be honest here, that made my day. Even though I write for myself, the knowledge that my writing could have the power to impact another human being is heady ecstasy. I guess it is something every writer aspires for- to resonate with someone on an intellectual level. Therefore, I asked myself, When was the last time you wrote something that meaningful? The answer did not make me happy- it was far too long ago. So you find me here, in the middle of a hectic week, trying to do justice to something I'm passionate about :) 

This is dedicated to both my friend and her friend, for inspiring me enough to emerge from a writing hibernation and pen this down.

Independence is one thing I value quite a bit. I guess you could also label me a control freak. And somehow, the two go hand-in-hand. When I'm self-reliant, I also get to control most of what goes on around me. That gives me a feeling of competence and confidence, and as a result I get more independent. I also love using my knowledge and experience to help someone else, and that's part of this independence-control web. All said and done, it's a virtuous closed loop system.

Now consider the opposite: You find yourself in unfamiliar environs. You barely know anything. As a result, you find yourself at the mercy of others, controlled by their whims and fancies. Forget helping someone, you have to depend on a multitude of people to get the tiniest of things done. Independence and control are the last things in your life. How does this make you feel?

I don't know about you, Dear Reader, but I find it debilitating. It's the intellectual equivalent of transitioning from healthy to handicapped-- it feels as if my right arm has been chopped off, leaving me leaning heavily on others albeit unwillingly. The loss of independence and control feel claustrophobic. I feel a loss of utility--there's nothing I am doing except hopping from person to person and consolidating their inputs to solve my problems. I have been in this situation for a while now, and it has done bad things to my self-esteem, which is at an all time abysmal low. I've questioned my competence, abilities and skill multiple times, not hearing a reassuring answer from within. Impostor's doesn't help any in the matter either.

I find myself thinking: Am I really cut out for this? I'm in way over my head. Maybe I should aspire for something simpler, something I am sure about. That way, I can go back to being who I have been all my life. Someone who knows their stuff. Someone who's known as the go-to person for all issues on the subject. At least that way I'll be spared the mental trauma of being unsure of my own abilities.

But then, is any of this really about ability? The way I see it, no. This is the complacency-growth phenomenon at play. A steep learning curve brings with it an equal and opposite abyss for your confidence to conveniently sink into. Letting that happen is noone else's fault but one's own. So what do I do? More to the point, what am I trying to convey here?

That it's okay to be ignorant. It's okay to be in a room where you're the person who knows the least. It's okay to ask for help in every step you take. None of this should be cause for despair. Tell yourself a hundred times a day that you are good enough to do everything you want. That thirst for knowledge that comes deep within is overpowering in its intensity. Rest assured that it will find a way to surmount all obstacles. If it helps any, think of it this way: If you're the person who knows the least, you're also the person who's learning the most everyday. The feeling of helplessness is a part of growing, but you shouldn't let it overwhelm you. Focus on what you learn everyday. At times, it might feel like the old story of progressing one inch only to fall down two, but it's only an illusion. It's not always going to be that way. It's just another phase, one that requires you to believe in yourself with all you have. Recollect everything you've been through, all that you have achieved to get here. 

Tell me now, is this really impossible? Do you really think you're not good enough? Of course not! I wish you success in all your endeavors, and anytime you feel lost and hopeless, do come back and give this a read. I hope it gives you enough strength to renew your belief in yourself.:)