EFML: Thanksgiving
Yet another year has gone by, and I turn a year older today. Every year, I use this day to introspect and be grateful. This year though, as I stared at a blank window trying to write this post, I found it hard to be thankful. Like so many other people, I did not have good things to say about 2020.
Here were some of my initial thoughts: I quit my job in the end of January, and transitioned to another in early Feb. This was a drastic change in terms of work for me, and Covid hit a month later. All of a sudden, I found myself working from home, struggling to get help or make progress. As if that alone wasn't enough, the nationwide lockdown happened and a ton of chores descended on me. I struggled through every single day, and got so little done. Things that I had meticulously planned out before leaving my job suddenly evaporated into a cloud of uncertainty, and the lack of control left me feeling severely anxious and helpless.
Then, my immediate neighbors tested positive for covid, and we were quarantined for close to a month. That month was the worst--I realized how much the idea of freedom was tied to my mental well-being. The walls of my home suddenly seemed to be shrinking in on me, and I felt claustrophobic. Also, I could not travel anywhere this year. Even the usual visits to my parent/in-laws have tapered down dramatically. Just going to a restaurant seems fraught with risk. After months of fretting about my future, something crystallized. I made yet another transition, this time to a student, and that has been difficult as well. I face a steep learning curve, and so many things that I took for granted in the past are now not available to me. In the midst of all this, we also shifted homes, and that was a huge challenge due to the pandemic. We also lost Pepper, a beloved dog, and that still makes me feel sad. At the end of this musing, I wasn't sure if I should be writing this post at all.
But if you think about it, that's precisely why I should be writing this. To remind myself that despite this being such a tough year, I have much to be grateful for. So here goes the other side of that story:
I am extremely grateful that my immediate family members are all alive and healthy. In today's world of millions of fatalities, that isn't something we can take for granted. I am especially grateful that my mother, who has kept her clinic open throughout the year, and has been exposed to several covid patients is in good health. I marvel at her dedication, strength and compassion.
I am thankful that I was able to make two career transitions during the pandemic, although I spent the greater part of the year worrying about how things would pan out. This year taught me to believe, even in the face of overwhelming despair. There were days when everything looked hopeless, and I felt stuck in this endless loop of waiting. I cursed myself a thousand times for leaving my job. I shut myself off from the world, because it was too painful to interact with people whose lives were going as per their plans, when mine seemed like such a train-wreck. But this forced me to really think about why I had chosen my path, about how badly I wanted it. I knew that even if I were given the same choice a second time, I would choose no differently. This gave me the courage to see it through, to live through that period of limbo without being fully shattered.
I am very thankful for all the people who supported me this year, who held my hand and told me that they were there for me, who made sure to check on me from time to time. At times, that single phone call/message/kind word has helped me get through the day. I couldn't be where I am today without you, and I am ever so grateful to have you in my life. To Amod, for being so generous with his time, kindness, efforts and love. To my parents, who despite the many disagreements I have with them, continue to steadfastly stand by me me in their own ways. To my in-laws and sister-in-law, for always being there, for supporting me in countless thoughtful ways. To SM, for her endearingly long and thoughtful emails. To my many friends, who have been active and empathetic listeners. Being able to think of so many people who care is itself a huge blessing.
This year was also eye-opening for me in understanding privilege. Food, clothing and shelter have been things I never had to worry about. I had always taken them for granted, till this year, I saw several people go without. I never had to worry about making the month's rent, or being able to pay off a loan instalment in time. I didn't have to worry about running out of savings in a couple of months. I didn't have anyone who was depending on me to provide for them. I never once went to sleep on an empty stomach because I couldn't afford a meal. I read about the girl who committed suicide because her family couldn't afford a laptop for her to study, and I found myself in tears. Here I was, with a laptop I had to share with no one, a fiber internet connection that almost always worked, and I was complaining about things like Zoom fatigue. How privileged was I? I saw clearly how the digital world was setting up yet another divide between people who had the means to go digital, and people who couldn't. This understanding of privilege has made me look at people with a kinder perspective and do what little I can to help. I still have a long way to go, but I am glad for the experiences of this year.
This year has given me opportunities that I never had access to previously. In my darkest months, every idle moment was a moment of worry and anxiety. Ironically enough, this made want me to get busier, to reach out and help someone else, in whatever way I could. I continued my music classes, and performed in an annual fest as well as a student recital, both landmark steps in my musical journey. I learnt the keyboard for a few months. I worked as a mentor to two students from my alma mater. I volunteered as a reader of audiobooks to help the visually impaired. I volunteered and taught a senior citizen how to use technology(primarily a mobile phone). All of these have been widely varying and enriching experiences in their own ways, and I am grateful that this year made them possible by cutting down what would have been a 4 hour daily commute for me.
I am immensely grateful that I was able to shift houses this year. My husband has been benevolent enough to move to a home that is really close to my college and really far from his workplace. I am ever so grateful for my in-laws' support during this move, right from lending us their furniture, overseeing the packers, staying with us for a week and helping with the thousand things that come with setting up a new house. I am delighted to be back in Malleswaram, an old haunt of mine. I am especially happy that I live closer to my parents now, and the 30 min drive makes it so convenient to drop down for a quick visit. When I miss home food, I can simply go home for breakfast and come back :). In Bangalore, this is no small feat!
Last but not the least, I've loved the fact that I was able to spend so much time with my husband. In the pre-covid world I'd leave for work at 7 and he'd come back at 8 or 9, and we'd barely get a couple of hours together. And when he'd travel, we'd spend even lesser time with each other. But this year has been different. We've cooked meals together, gone out for walks, played badminton, had our scrabble duels, and sometimes just lazed around with each other. He's always just one room away, and the feeling of being able to walk into his room after a meeting or class is amazing. Sometimes, he walks into my room with a snack, and I feel so delighted that such things are possible in this new world. Earlier, our visits to our respective parents' places were limited to the weekends, but now, it can be any day. That too feels wonderful-- to be able to drop in to visit them and continue working, feeling that quiet sense of bliss that they're close by, knowing that at the end of the workday you'll be able to spend time with them. I write this from my in-laws' home in Mysore. I spent a little time playing with Ginger this morning, and after a tasty meal, I am all set to work. :)
This has been a very tough year, probably my toughest year so far, but there certainly are many things that I am very grateful for. And the more I think about these things, the more I feel blessed and content. To a year of unexpected difficulties, and unexpected blessings!
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