EFML: On the evils of trivializing
Yesterday I was talking to a friend, and we were both bemoaning our long and arduous daily commutes. And then I said to her : But you have an office cab, whereas I'm thrown to the wolf that is public transport. She cringed audibly, and I regretted my words instantly. I'd always been so careful about not comparing, and yet, in an unguarded moment, I did exactly that. I decided to write about it, in the hope that I can create more awareness on this.
Have you had this experience where you recount your woes to someone and then they go: Oh that, that's nothing. Wait till you get to this point in life! (mostly this is being married, having a kid, having a second kid, but it could be just about anything) Don't you just hate people who do this?
While I was single, I used to tell people about the difficulties I faced, and they would go: Wait till you get married.
I used to feel instantly invalidated, and I'd think :How unfair! Just because I'm unmarried or do not have kids doesn't make my life simple. I have my own problems, and you have no right to trivialize them.
Now I'm married, and when I talk about something, people say to me: Wait till you have a kid. I feel the same way as before: My problems are very real to me. Will I never get heard just because other people think their problems are bigger?
I ask of you, what does trivializing accomplish?
Does it help you feel better? No, because it paints such a bleak and sordid picture of life. Here you are, thinking your problems of today are bad enough, and there come people, cheerfully telling you that the future is much worse. (Sometimes I wonder, is it supposed to make you feel better in some twisted way, knowing that the other person is worse off than you are?)
Does it address your problem?
Not even close, because the person who responded this way didn't even acknowledge that you have a problem. They just brushed it off by comparing it to their problems and concluding that yours was nothing in comparison.
Result? You feel rejected, miserable and annoyed.
But that's everything that's wrong with us. Life has various stages, and as different people, we grow through them differently. Also, our current phase might seem more complicated than another to us now, but that's mostly because we have crossed the old phase. While we were in that situation, it was every bit as tough for us as the problems we face today. How then, can we trivialize someone else's problems just because we outgrew them? For that person, in their phase of life, what they're talking about is a valid issue, and even if we cannot help them solve it, we must acknowledge and empathize with them if nothing else.
To give a more concrete example, imagine that you are in your tenth grade, and your board exams seem daunting to you. Imagine that a young friend of yours who is in second grade finds long division very complicated and tells you about his/her struggles. Would you then scornfully laugh and tell him/her that long division is nothing, and that calculus is real complexity? Doesn't this sound ridiculous? That's what trivializing feels like to the person who's being invalidated. To that child of seven, long division is as complex as calculus is to you, and you are making him/her feel even worse by invalidating their struggles.
This habit of trivializing comes very naturally and unconsciously to most of us, because of the perspective gap. We always look from where we stand--the baseline for comparison is always our experiences. But to be a good listener and empathize effectively, we need a change of perspective. We need to evaluate from the other person's point of view. We need to go back to when we were seven, and recall what long division felt like.
And sometimes, even then, someone else's experiences might seem remote and unrelatable to us. We just can't fathom how they feel in their current situation, because we were never there. Or because even when we were there, we never felt that way. In that case, give the other person the benefit of doubt, and hear them out anyway. We might not be able to respond effectively, but we can at least acknowledge their problem.
To trivialize someone else's problem is the worst thing to do. Let us refrain from it, and be kinder and more considerate human beings.
Have you had this experience where you recount your woes to someone and then they go: Oh that, that's nothing. Wait till you get to this point in life! (mostly this is being married, having a kid, having a second kid, but it could be just about anything) Don't you just hate people who do this?
While I was single, I used to tell people about the difficulties I faced, and they would go: Wait till you get married.
I used to feel instantly invalidated, and I'd think :How unfair! Just because I'm unmarried or do not have kids doesn't make my life simple. I have my own problems, and you have no right to trivialize them.
Now I'm married, and when I talk about something, people say to me: Wait till you have a kid. I feel the same way as before: My problems are very real to me. Will I never get heard just because other people think their problems are bigger?
I ask of you, what does trivializing accomplish?
Does it help you feel better? No, because it paints such a bleak and sordid picture of life. Here you are, thinking your problems of today are bad enough, and there come people, cheerfully telling you that the future is much worse. (Sometimes I wonder, is it supposed to make you feel better in some twisted way, knowing that the other person is worse off than you are?)
Does it address your problem?
Not even close, because the person who responded this way didn't even acknowledge that you have a problem. They just brushed it off by comparing it to their problems and concluding that yours was nothing in comparison.
Result? You feel rejected, miserable and annoyed.
But that's everything that's wrong with us. Life has various stages, and as different people, we grow through them differently. Also, our current phase might seem more complicated than another to us now, but that's mostly because we have crossed the old phase. While we were in that situation, it was every bit as tough for us as the problems we face today. How then, can we trivialize someone else's problems just because we outgrew them? For that person, in their phase of life, what they're talking about is a valid issue, and even if we cannot help them solve it, we must acknowledge and empathize with them if nothing else.
To give a more concrete example, imagine that you are in your tenth grade, and your board exams seem daunting to you. Imagine that a young friend of yours who is in second grade finds long division very complicated and tells you about his/her struggles. Would you then scornfully laugh and tell him/her that long division is nothing, and that calculus is real complexity? Doesn't this sound ridiculous? That's what trivializing feels like to the person who's being invalidated. To that child of seven, long division is as complex as calculus is to you, and you are making him/her feel even worse by invalidating their struggles.
This habit of trivializing comes very naturally and unconsciously to most of us, because of the perspective gap. We always look from where we stand--the baseline for comparison is always our experiences. But to be a good listener and empathize effectively, we need a change of perspective. We need to evaluate from the other person's point of view. We need to go back to when we were seven, and recall what long division felt like.
And sometimes, even then, someone else's experiences might seem remote and unrelatable to us. We just can't fathom how they feel in their current situation, because we were never there. Or because even when we were there, we never felt that way. In that case, give the other person the benefit of doubt, and hear them out anyway. We might not be able to respond effectively, but we can at least acknowledge their problem.
To trivialize someone else's problem is the worst thing to do. Let us refrain from it, and be kinder and more considerate human beings.
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