EFML: On a myth called unconditional love

During one of our recent conversations, my husband told me that he loved me unconditionally.

My immediate and rather harsh retort was "Bullshit! That is not true at all. Besides, the idea of unconditional love is stupid".

The poor guy was shocked, and said to me "Wait, what!? I thought unconditional love was the golden standard of love that everyone aspired to achieve, and I was elated we're there. Now you're telling me you don't believe in it?"

"Yeah, because it does not concur with reality. Would you really love me no matter what? Let's say I start behaving drastically differently from what you liked me for. Would you still love me?"

My husband is a practical man, and he takes some time to ponder over this."Maybe I would. Or I don't know...probably not."


"Of course you wouldn't. There are implicit conditions in every relationship. Unconditional love is just a myth."

"What, then, should be the foundation of love in your opinion? I thought it was its unconditional nature, but obviously you do not agree."

I did reply to this, but it wasn't well articulated.
At this point, my ideas on the subject were very nascent, but I had strong opinions nonetheless. I have given it some thought now, and here's my two cents.

Does unconditional love exist? In my opinion, no. It's that ideal state of utopia that is simply a romantic myth that most people entertain and believe in. The closest thing perhaps would be parental love- although not entirely unconditional, it comes really really close. My friend, a staunch dog lover, tells me that dogs love unconditionally. I do not know, so I will refrain from endorsing or contradicting this opinion. Every other relationship I can think of, be it a friend, relative or a spouse, is never unconditional. You cannot love someone "no matter what". The whole idea is flawed.

Let's take the example of a spouse. Most of us spend a significant amount of time searching for someone who meets all our necessary and sufficient criteria for a life partner. We finally choose the person who we think is right for us. If we're lucky, we even find love with them. And then, the vast majority of us expect that we love and be loved unconditionally, as a result of all those years of being brainwashed about how that's the only true kind of love.

But pause for a minute and think : Are you really capable of putting someone ahead of you always, even if it be at the cost of denying your dreams and aspirations? Even if you do so, will your resentment not gradually build up over time and ultimately corrode your love? Will you always give the other person what they want, just because they want it, even if it is in complete contradiction to what you want? If you do so, where and how would you find fulfilment? Are you only defined by your significant other? Do you even have an identity of your own? Will you love someone who is the opposite of all the ideals that you stand for? Can you keep loving someone even after they become toxic to you? Is any of this healthy?

And that's what unconditional love asks of you. If you do not fulfil this ideal, your love is deemed selfish and untrue.
But if you set these expectations for you and your partner, you're basically signing up for a load of heartache, because no human can be that much. If you look at it logically, it's a nonsensical proposition that just doesn't make sense.

Am I trying to say that you should stop loving someone if they change? Definitely not. Life is a journey of discovery and change is inevitable. The love that's enduring persists even with change, and to expect that is justified. What I'm saying is that there are ground rules to a relationship. Deal breakers. To give a few examples, to most people, fidelity and honesty in the relationship are a must.

The thing about a no-matter-what--the main reason why millions of people subscribe to it--is that it gives them a cocoon of security and reassurance in the bewildering jungle of constant change that is life. They choose this to be their anchor. There's nothing wrong with this attitude, except that by making love unconstrained, they give a very shaky foundation to their relationship.

Now that I am vilifying unconditional love, you might ask me, what does the good love look like? For the lack of a better term, I shall choose to call that good love "realistic love". Now, let's get around to characterising it.
Realistic love has as its foundation communication, honesty, support and respect. It is not about saying yes to everything your partner asks of you. Neither is it about losing your own identity and becoming someone's shadow. Realistic love is about two individuals who nurture each other by being honest, supportive and communicative.

If your partner asks of you something that you would not rather do, you have every right to be open and honest about it and tell them that. That does not mean you love them any less. But what you do not do is be mean and hurtful about it-you explain to them your reasons for refusing and ask them to understand where you're coming from. They definitely will, and then you find middle ground.

 Realistic love is about being supportive of your partner in all their dreams and aspirations. But it does not mean giving up your own for theirs. It means that you always have their best interests at heart, and help them in all the ways that you can, even if that requires some sacrifices from your part. But if you reach a point where you find yourself unhappy with your own life, it is perfectly acceptable to reach out and let them know that. Marriage, or more generically, a committed relationship, is one where both parties thrive by the association-it must be symbiotic, not parasitic.

Realistic love is about being respectful of the other person and all their life experiences. A large part of that is withholding judgement. You do not laugh at them or make them feel inadequate when they're not good at something. When they share their struggles,you do not mock them or reinforce their inferiority complexes. You respect their opinions, even if you do not always see eye to eye. If something means a lot to them, you respect that and put it in your high priority list too. But you do not at any point have to follow something blindly just because you respect the other person, especially if it's not something you subscribe to. And saying that out loud does in no way diminish your respect for them. It just means that you have your own opinions and agree to disagree.

Realistic love is defined to a great extent by how openly you set up your communication channels. When two individuals coexist, it is inevitable for disagreements to arise. While unconditional love demands you to always put the other person ahead in such situations, realistic love urges you to analyze and communicate. You are free to voice out the aspects that you have trouble with, ask your partner to reciprocate and ultimately find a feasible solution that works for both. Saying you have a problem with something the other person does is not taboo. What definitely would be a problem is not communicating it and letting that resentment fester in you till one day it rears its ugly head like an overdue volcano.

Realistic love is about caring, nurturing and protecting. It endures sickness and health, richness and poverty, all the vagaries of life, change and even time itself. It will last you an entire lifetime. But realistic love will not make of you unreasonable demands. It does not ask you to sacrifice yourself at its altar like unconditional love. It does not demand that you be an angel, it urges you to be human. It lets you make mistakes and then learn from them. It helps you grow and find fulfilment, both as an individual and through the growth of your significant other. When you can have all this and more, why would you choose to constrain yourself by choosing unconstrained love? (Note the irony!)

Tell me now, which would you rather have?

P.S: I cannot believe I am writing another article on love. So weird!