Random rant: The (supposed) blasphemy of childlessness

Sometime last month, I was going home from my lab late at night. I'd usually make a minute of small talk with whoever was at the security desk while I signed in or out everyday, and this happened that night as well. It was well past midnight, so the guard asked me how I'd go home at this hour. (With the current state of affairs in India, this seems like a reasonable question to ask a woman. Reasonable, but sad.) I reassured him that I stayed close by and that I'd be fine.  His next question took me by surprise. Do you have kids?

I replied in the negative. His forehead crinkled, and his expression became gloomy. That's so sad. This is such a big sacrifice you're making to be here. Women always have it tough. He tutted in dismay.

When I heard his response, my stream of thoughts went like this: Why is he sad that I don't have a kid? I am perfectly happy not having one. In fact, considering how much I have on my plate currently, I am extremely thankful that I don't have one. And sacrifice? I never thought of it that way. I am doing a PhD by choice, and I am also childless by choice. 

I contemplated telling him all of this, but after having had countless variations of this conversation from the time I've been married, I felt it was futile. I was almost certain he wouldn't understand, and I don't blame him--it is hard to outgrow the social conditioning of a lifetime. I just feel sorry for all the people who think a woman's sole and primary purpose in life is to get married, have kids and raise them. Anything else is at best labelled a sacrifice, and is at worst (more often) considered blasphemy.

I've stopped feeling angry, triggered and outraged by these conversations. But what I find very appalling is how this intensely personal choice seems to be open for public conversation, and even debate. How random strangers or relatives who you never saw until today consider it perfectly normal to ask when you plan to have a kid. How the very same bunch of people keep track of how many years you've been married, and keep shoving that number in your face at every gathering they meet you, while subtly(and yet so overtly) implying that something is biologically wrong with you. How they refuse to believe you when you tell them that you genuinely don't want to have kids right now, or how they judge you and are appalled that you rejected the holy grail that is motherhood. How other women (who are supposed to be allies), talk about pregnancy complications in elderly women(and by this they usually mean 30+ or 35+), and urge women to have a kid ASAP. How prospective employers casually women if they plan to have a kid in the next xyz years, and implying that they are well within their rights in asking this.

How is any of this considered normal and acceptable conversation? I find this whole dialogue weird, especially because I come from a family of liberal and optional parenthood. Isn't that how it should be? My parents had me after 11 years of marriage (when my mom was 37), and several of my uncles and aunts didn't have children. I can't recall any conversation from childhood where we discussed why someone didn't have children, or how it had been so many years after their (childless) marriage. Even now, my parents or in-laws have never once asked or suggested that I have a kid. Yet, other random strangers feel entitled in asking me this question. They even go as far as trying to persuade me to have a kid soon. For the zillionth time, if, and when, someone chooses to have kids is entirely their business. People are not accountable to society/relatives/friends on this.

The other related gripe I have is how sanctimonious everyone motherhood is considered to be, and how blasphemous it is for a woman to refuse to kneel at that altar. Notice that I say motherhood and not parenthood. Because, somehow, a man saying that he doesn't want to be a parent is acceptable. It's even deemed natural. But if a woman says it, she earns the wrath of everyone. Words like unwomanly, heartless, unkind and aggressive are hurled at her. How could she not want to be a mother? How can she go against nature? There is something wrong with her. Undoubtedly.

Why is the explanation that she simply doesn't want a kid not good enough? Why is that so unfathomable? And why is being a mother so central to being a woman? A woman is many things, and a mother is just one of them. Sure it is an important one, but it is not everything. It is a choice, a path that every woman should be free to walk or not walk. Being childless is not something to feel ashamed or sad about, and it is high time we stop making women feel this way.

I hope that someday, a stranger will truly understand, yet not judge me when I say: I don't want children right now, and I am happy with that choice. In the hope of that utopian day, I write this.