Decision Log:Crossroads

My friend has recently acquired this habit of penning down all our decisions in what she calls a decision log.The practice stuck on to me as well--therefore I am chronicling this,one of our major(at this point in time) decisions:)

I lay on my bed,tossing and turning,asking myself the same question for the thousandth time this week. To move out or not?

Let me explain to give the reader some context.I am a final year graduate student who's studying in a residential institute.I also happen to live in Bangalore.Therefore,although I stay in a hostel,I am not really staying away from home,unlike the majority of people here.My coursework officially ends in a few days and the next semester comprises entirely of an internship.

Bangalore being Bangalore,my workplace is 35 kilometres away from college and travelling would be exhausting not to mention near impossible(5-6 hours a day).By some weird quirk of fate,my workplace happens to be a stone's throw away from my house(Let me correct you before you imagine it's 5 minutes away.It's 15 km away.This would sound insane to everyone else but residents of this wonderful city:P Yeah,it is near by my standards.)

I was aware of this since September,but since the college did not have an option for students to vacate prior to graduating,I took it for granted.I assumed that I would travel from home and also retain my hostel room for weekend visits.Last week brought up something unexpected though.The management had considered the requests of the students to be genuine and offered a refund of the hostel and the mess fees to those opting to move out.

The sum involved,obviously,seemed quite a hefty amount.And since I wouldn't be staying here at all,it didn't make sense to pay it.I decided that I would move out.But these decisions are never that easy,you know.They involve a lot of factors.And the moment you change your perspective,the outcome changes too.

I gave it a lot of thought over the week,as usual making a list of the pros and cons.The pros of moving out were practical.I have a family,my house is nearer and I wouldn't find the time to come to college that often anyway.But the cons were rather emotional.I have a wonderful set of friends,who are all going to be staying here.I have an amazing social life(and I say this as an introvert:P). The professors,the environment,the people around--I would miss it all.

This place,by itself,is a part of who I am now.It has given me wonderful things and made me what I am today.The campus,small as it is,holds the fondest of memories for me.Countless nights spent walking around talking.Having your friends living in the same building as you.Being able to race to their rooms and pound on their door out of breath,whenever you have something exciting to tell them.Making Maggi in a silly kettle at midnight and having a dozen hungry people turn up at your room. Watching a movie together. Heading out on a weekend. All of this.

Some more things,that other people would probably not relate to,but are still close to my heart. Sitting in the library(usually reading a novel:P) and watching the light fade away through the window.That wonderful corner in the library is just me. Sitting in the lab when it's empty and working peacefully for hours on a Sunday.That's also me.Watching the campus when there's something going on--the very air is filled with enthusiasm and excitement.Finally,my room.This place that I have spent one and a half years in has seen more of me than any living soul. Happiness,sadness,hope,despair,anger--it has witnessed all of my emotions.And,somehow,this place has come to mean a lot to me.I love the window that brightens up my room and makes it bright and airy--I have spent many a day sitting next to it and writing away,even as I am now.

I realise that my time here is coming to an end--that all of this is fleeting.But then,so is life.That doesn't mean we should stop living prematurely,right?

When I mentioned this to my friends,they brushed off my entire monologue as emotional:P.They told me to think practically. That the fees was a considerable chunk of money and that I could do something productive with it instead of paying it when I wouldn't be here at all. After listening to them,my dilemma was worse than ever.I wondered if I was being foolish--these people seemed to make sense.

So I was back to where I started this article from,to move out or not? My overwrought brain was screaming at me for torturing it with the same question a million times,when the words of a wise stranger from years ago echoed back to me:

"Take a step back.You can never solve any problem if you're too close to it. De-focus."

It struck me that what I needed was the opinion of someone who was far enough from the problem to think objectively.Someone wise enough to think both emotionally and practically.Someone who had been there,done that and could save me the exercise and the regrets. There was one person who instantly came to my mind--one of my professors.I had often heard him think with remarkable clarity and yet retain an emotional perspective on reality.

I headed to his cabin before I could change my mind.You know that experiment with the coin--where you toss it in the air and as you watch it fall,you already know what you want? There's a lot of truth to it.I went there under the delusion that I was confused;but when I worded my argument,I could already see what I wanted.

As I had expected,he brought down my entire confusion to one vital question:Does the money matter to you?

I pondered over this,and came to the conclusion that it did not.Until a week ago,the money wasn't even in the picture.I was okay with paying the full fee.How come it matters so much all of a sudden now? The truth is this:As a student,that amount of money looks too staggering to be spent so frivolously and without purpose.Yet,what would I do if I had it? I can't think of anything remarkable. I already have a place to stay.I would probably buy something for my parents,a few gadgets come to mind.But at that point in time,I would also be earning.I can do all of this with my money as well.

I answer him "No.The money doesn't matter."

He smiles at me "Then your decision is made.Keep the room"

Just to re-affirm,I ask him "My friends seem to think this is a foolish choice.You don't think that as well?"

"Not at all.It is the right one.This is a wonderful place to be,and this phase of your life will soon be over."

Just like that,I had clarity.I thanked him and walked out,radiantly happy.

I now know that my decision is the right one.I have a few precious months left here and amazing friends to spend it with.I don't want to come back here as a visitor during those months--I want to come back and call it my home.

I have seen my undergraduate life roll out--we were ten friends.Today,two of them are abroad,one is married.Time will only bring about more changes.Granted that we are still close,but it's not like before.It will never be that way again.Ever.And I know all too well that the same will happen here too.I am blessed to have two homes in the same city and the freedom to be able to live in both.After all,how many people get to have the cake and eat it too? I would be a fool if I were to cut off my ties from one prematurely. Time will eventually do that for me anyway,and till that happens,I plan to cherish every moment as an amphibian:D

Decision log:2.30 pm,Tuesday,Not moving out.

P.S:Dedicated to all that this place is.I'm very grateful to be here.

Special thanks to the person who made this decision so clear and easy:)