PY: Vicious cycles

I see you one day
Just like that, on my doorstep
I hear you telling me
I just felt like visiting

Your arms are laden with sweets and savories
Gifts for everyone although there's no occasion
Eyes that twinkle with laughter
A face that's always serenely radiant

Then I wake up and realize
This is just another cruel dream
You're no more there
Gone somewhere far beyond my reach

My heart breaks all over again
My eyes brim with unshed tears
I recall those last months
Pain, agony,immeasurable suffering

What did you ever do to deserve any of it?
I don't even know how to mourn you;I'm still in denial
Your name keeps tumbling out of my mouth
And a second later I feel the impact

Right before I sleep, and sometimes right after I wake up
This is what my mind brings up
The realization shocks me, I fathom not why
Grief and a feeling of emptiness follow through in rapid succession

I distract myself from these emotions I don't know how to deal with
And wonder if they'll fade away with time
Duller and duller till I feel nothing at all
Or if it'll always be a sudden sharp pain that takes me by surprise

Punarapi jananam, punarapi maranam say the learned
But where do I find equanimity amidst such extremes?