The birthday letter: Of healing and sunshine

 As always, I write this post on my birthday, reflecting on all that life has given me. This year has been utterly magical for me, and I watched many of my long cherished dreams come true. But the biggest change, something that I think of as the reason for all these good things, is my perspective shift. I look at life very differently from a few years ago, and that makes all the difference. As Wayne Dyer says, When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. But first, let me tell you about all the wonderful things that happened this year.

The biggest of them all: I finished and defended my PhD. This has been a dream for me since high school, and I can't tell you how good it feels to finally see it in reality. But it is more than the research I did, the papers I published, and all of that stuff, even though those are pretty cool too. The process taught me so much about life. The uncertainty, the rejections, the darkness. Parts that we struggle so much with, and yet are inevitable. I used to think that I must have had one of the worst PhD experiences because it also overlapped with my Dad's stroke and a lot of issues that followed. After years of confronting these demons regularly, I learned to look at them differently and let go of my fear and sorrow. I learned to embrace the struggle and trust in the process. To do my part, and then walk away from the outcome. This has made everything easier. While in the initial years of my PhD, I would constantly think of my progress and when I would finish, in the last 1.5 years I started living in the moment. Sometimes during deadlines, I wouldn't even think of a whole day, because whatever I had to accomplish seemed so daunting. I would really focus on taking it one step at a time, and block out all thoughts about the timeline. Of course, what also helped was being surrounded by the most amazing people, both personally and professionally. My immediate family (husband, parents and in-laws) have always supported and cheered for me, and they have done everything humanly possible for me to succeed. They have seen me go through the lowest of the lows, and they have not just accepted but nurtured me through those phases. Similarly, the group of people I worked with during my PhD are absolutely incredible. Right from my advisor to the interns, staff and labmates I worked with, each of them have taught me so much. I recall days where I have been so grateful that I have looked up at the universe and smiled in awe. Not that every day was rosy and glorious. I would be completely lying if I said that. It was grueling, challenging and frustrating too. But we worked together as a team, and that made everything take on a  soft glow. This is as much their success as it is mine. 

Another area where the perspective shift really helped was my health. I have been overweight right from childhood, and I used to have many beliefs about how difficult it was going to be to change this. For instance, most people in my immediate family were overweight, and therefore I was told that had the genetic disposition to be the same. In the past few years, through all the inner work I did, I felt something change. I no longer had this limiting belief. I knew I could change if I wanted to. And so, I started trying to build a healthier lifestyle, and helping my body feel better. I started with walking, because in 2023, I was in such bad shape that walking was all I could do. I would walk 2-3km every day and even that felt exhausting. But thanks to the beautiful and serene campus of IISc, I started loving these walks. They were my way of coping with all the difficult things life threw at me. They became less about something I "had" to do and more something I "loved" to do and looked forward to every day. Walking became the best part of my day, and I started walking to nearby lakes and parks even on the weekends with my husband. In the first six months, I did not see any "results". But by then, I'd fallen in love with the process so much that it did not matter. I could not imagine my life without walking, it was such an integral part of my life. And my mindset had changed so much by then that I knew the results would come anyway. I'd started walking to and from work, and after lunch too, and 10km days were a routine.

Slowly, I started to feel more connected to my body, and how food and sleep affected it. Back then, I was stress eating heavily, and most of it was packaged hyper-processed junk or fast food. I also pulled a lot of all-nighters and late nights. The more I started noticing how my body felt, the more easily I could switch to better and healthier alternatives and choices. I did not change anything drastically, but made slow sustainable changes that I could keep up with. And then, I started to see changes. While outsiders noticed my weight first, for me, the biggest wins were many other things. It was how I felt everyday. I slept better. I woke up feeling fully energetic, and the energy lasted throughout the day. I was a lot less anxious and felt more peaceful. I fell sick a lot lesser. I could do a lot more physically. It also changed the way I looked at myself, and helped me process and release all the shame and guilt I'd internalized thanks to decades of people commenting on my appearance and weight. This also taught me to look at my relationships critically, and cut out all the noise of fair weather and toxic people. My life transformed drastically right before my eyes. I walked more than 4000km in 2025, and I have lost more than 30kg, and I am currently at my high school weight. But like I said, more than the weight, I value how healthy, happy and carefree I feel in my body. I also had the privilege of watching my journey spark similar changes in my circle. My husband, for one, closely followed everything I did, and his life and health have transformed too. Many others have made walking part of their lives, and I feel so happy when I listen to them tell me about how peaceful and relaxed it has made them feel.

Another milestone for me was running a half marathon in 2025. While a lot of people had recommended running to me many years back, I did not feel ready for it. But something shifted last April, and one day I woke up with a very vivid dream of running along the beach, with the wind in my hair, feeling so light and carefree. I brushed this off as just another odd dream, but the feeling stayed with me and haunted me. I felt called to it, and I knew I had to try. I had no idea how to go about it, because I had never in my life run. Not even a 100m. And a lot of people warned me about the impact on my joints, especially as a heavy person. Others cautioned me about rising cardiac arrests. And so I had a bit of fear, and was reluctant to start this on my own. Magically, within two days, my labmate told me about wanting to run and asked if I wanted to join. I jumped at the chance, and said yes. The first time we went to the track, I ran really slowly, but I was panting after 50m, and one loop around the track felt impossible. I came home disappointed, and thought about giving up. But the next day, she asked me if I wanted to run, and I showed up again. We ran together every weekday. My knees were sore as hell, and I almost couldn't walk. I did a lot of stretching and yoga, but I kept up the running. We ran together for more than a month, and then I could run 3km without stopping. 

I started having brief minutes during my runs where I felt the same thing I'd dreamt about. Feeling at one with the world, a strange kind of quiet and peace, an absolutely meditative experience. I couldn't get enough of this, and running. I signed up for my first 5k, one day before I started my new post-PhD job. My toenail turned yellow a week before the race, and it was so painful I couldn't even put a shoe on. But I was so determined to run that I pulled out the toenail, bandaged my toe, rested for a couple of days, and then ran. It was not easy, but it was totally worth it. I limped to my new job, but I felt so happy and amazing that I barely noticed. That same day, I signed up for my first half marathon 3 months later. I knew that a 5k and a half marathon were worlds apart, and it frankly felt impossible at that point. But I knew I had to try, and by signing up, I was making a strong commitment to train for it. I trained both my body and mind, because I knew I had to first overcome the fear and impossibility of that goal in my mind. I read memoirs and books about runners incessantly, and I realized that not all of them were born blazing fast. Many of them, like me, had struggled with it in the beginning. This gave me courage, and I clung on to my dream. Finally in September, race day came, and I showed up. I felt so amazed even by that, and I was so happy to have come this far. I wasn't chasing a time, and I breezed through most of the race. I reached the finish line in exhilaration, and then realized I was extremely dehydrated, something I'd ignored in the last 5 km. I tried to go to my husband who had water, but fainted just as I reached him. This taught me again to really listen to my body and be attuned to its needs, even while running. After I recovered, I spent almost a week in disbelief, stunned that I had actually finished 21.1km in one go! The process of running brought a lot of discipline, endurance and resilience into my life, and I couldn't be more grateful. 

The year also came with its own challenges. A big one was watching my dad sink further into his illness and retreat into a place where I felt I could just not reach or understand him. It was also incredibly hard to watch my mom struggle with this, and the stress of it result in many issues with her own health. There have been so many days I sat slumped in sorrow, not wanting to confront and accept this part of my life.  I have even struggled with visiting them because it made me question life entirely and become despondent. But there have been moments of unexpected clarity where I realized that in order to help them, I must first come out of my own sorrow. Sometimes, I also think, they are here to learn and grow in their own path. What I think may be awful for them may be the precursor to something truly great. I will never know how it all plays out, and for now, all I can do is be patient and help in whatever ways I can. 

Last but not the least, what made my year very memorable, were all the animals who were part of it. Khushi, a literal and figurative bundle of joy who came into our lives in 2025, has made my life so bright with her antics and infectious energy. Becky, the adorable calico in my apartment complex, who mewed at me and looked at me with eyes of liquid gold, I can never forget you as long as I live. Thank you for letting me pet you whenever I saw you. It almost broke my heart to say goodbye to you, but I hope that you have a wonderful life filled with love. To the many other dogs and cats who have brought healing and sunshine to my life, my deepest gratitude. A special highlight was Gulabi, the beautiful German Shepherd with soulful eyes that I got to support as a wedding gift to my friend. Finally, to all the amazing bears I met at WildlifeSoS/BBRC, I can't put into words how much healing and happiness this gave me. Being able to sponsor Millie was a dream come true, and the best birthday gift I could have ever asked for. Kuber's beautiful honey-smeared face and haunting story echoed in my mind many days after I came home, and I really wanted to help although I had already given whatever I could. It was as if the universe heard my prayers, because the next day, I learned that my company had a matching program where they matched employee donations to certain organizations. I promptly put up a request both for Gulabi and Kuber, and was elated to see it approved. Hoping that it reaches them soon, and gives them the best life possible. There is something about seeing these wonderful innocent beings treated with the love and kindness they deserve that really warms my heart.

And those are some of my memories and moments from the past year. So much of it has felt like pure magic, and I didn't know I had so much in me. It feels like I'm really finding myself, the person who was hidden behind layers of self-doubt, guilt and fear. As these layers fall away, I realize how glorious it is to be alive, to be me, to have this life and all the experiences that come with it. And the more I connect with that truth, the more I can trust in everything working out. I can live a life filled with challenges, and still smile with a softness that comes from undying hope and resilience. I can live in uncertainty, and still dream of the impossible. I can fall a thousand times, and every time I rise, I can be gentler with myself and the world too. And when you have that perspective, really, what more can you ask for? :)