A letter of kindness: Being my own best friend

 Ever have one of those days where everything seems to go wrong on multiple fronts? I've been having a few of those lately. Actually, if I'm being honest, it's been a few weeks now. And I haven't been too nice to myself through this phase. Many times, I relentlessly point out all the things I should have done better. Needless to say, this doesn't help me feel any better. Sometimes I'd wish, if only I had a compassionate friend who knew all the minutiae of my life and could point out all the things I'm doing right instead, it would feel so much nicer. While I'm blessed with many such people in my life, today, I'm trying something different. I'm trying to be that friend to myself and reduce all the negative inner chatter. So humor me, dear reader, and come along on this highlight reel of my life with me. This is really hard to write for me because I'm so used to criticizing myself ! :)

I remember you from three years ago. In fact, I particularly remember this point when you hit rock bottom. It was May 2022. I even remember the day and the conversation. Your husband asked if you would be fine if he went to his sister's wedding in the US. You seemed so fragile that he was so worried about leaving you alone even for a week. You paused for a moment, smiled at him and said yes. But I was there, and I know all that transpired in your head in that one suspended moment. You took inventory of your personal and professional life. A PhD that was grueling but wasn't going anywhere. A paper that you had toiled on for a year in the most impossible of personal circumstances, but ended up missing the deadline by 45 mins. A qualifying exam that you should have already finished but hadn't. Teaching requirements for a fellowship that you were lagging behind by 6 months. The only good thing was that you got a grant to attend a top conference in the US, only to hit visa issues that made travel impossible. Yet another broken dream. You were wondering if you should give up on the PhD. And your personal life was so much worse. Your dad had had a major stroke that left him paralyzed and bedridden, and he had been in the hospital for 5 months. Your mom was heartbroken, and the constant stress and caregiving took its toll on her health too. Financial, mental, emotional, you name the area, your parents were struggling in it. You had given up all your hobbies, and you had very little interest in anything. You started having health issues too, and you gained so much weight that it terrified you. There were some days when you asked yourself Is this life worth living? So when you smiled at him and said I'll be fine, I heard your real answer. It was a petrified 'I don't know.'

And so, I look at you today with so much pride and love. Do you see how far you've come in those three years? You've not only survived, but thrived in these hardest years of your life. Not just in one area, but in every one that I can think of. I know you'll roll your eyes at me and think I'm exaggerating, so I'm going to tell you in great detail.

You managed to finish a PhD that you can be proud of, and in 4.5 years, which is no mean feat considering the lab and institute you were in. And on the days you doubt if you did a stellar PhD or just an average one, please do me a favor and go look at your CV. You have everything one could have wished for in a dream PhD - great publications, travel, awards, funding, internships, hiring and building your own team, and even more. And you did all this while you helped your parents in every way that you could. Don't discount that. I know there are some people who tell you that you didn't do as much as you could have for them. I know you have had people tell you that you should have quit your PhD or taken an extended break and been there for your parents. Those people aren't you. Your choices don't align with theirs, and they don't have to. You wanted to be the "best whole person" you could be, remember? It wasn't about one-sided dedication where you quit your PhD and took care of your parents, or neglected your parents and got a great PhD. It was the best of both you wanted. And yes, that means that there would always be more you could have done on either fronts. This does not make you a failure. It makes you the very best version of yourself that you can be, to everything and everyone you love. I remember how hard this felt for you, to leave earlier from lab than everyone else and yet be home putting in long hours on personal chores. You put in more effort than most, but didn't have as much to show at either places. I remember the endless guilt you felt on both fronts, being the perfectionist that you are. You've come a long way since then. 

I recall another insane day in late 2023. When you were working on a deadline without sleeping for 2 days, and hours before the deadline you saw a message that there was a fire in your apartment complex. You knew that if you stepped away then, your work of months would not see light of day. And yet, you cared deeply for your husband. The way you compartmentalized that night still gives me goosebumps. You first called your husband and ensured that he was fine, and then you went back to your deadline with full focus. In those hours, you didn't know if your husband or home would be there when you went back. You were shocked and terrified, and yet you gave that paper your best and made the deadline. I still remember when you walked back home amidst shards of falling glass and smoke everywhere. I remember how you shivered for minutes after you found your husband. No one should have to make choices like this, but I respected you so much after that day.

Also, can I say how incredibly proud I am of all the work you've done on yourself? From going to therapy to starting walking to cutting down on stress eating to recreating space and time for your hobbies, what a journey you've been on. And the results are again so self-evident. From having chronic back pain and barely being able to walk 500m without panting to walking 5000km in 2 years. From being at your highest ever weight to losing close to 30kg and fitting into your pre-university clothes. From being so emotionally dependent and fragile that your husband was scared to leave you alone for a week to living an entire summer all by yourself abroad. From feeling like life isn't worth living to having a renewed joy and gratitude for life. I am in awe of how much work you've put into being the best version of yourself, both inside and outside! And it isn't that your life now is easy. You continue to deal with a lot, and it can easily feel overwhelming. But you've built up so much resilience that you barely let the strain show. Anyone looking at you from the outside would think you have a perfect life.

The you from 2022 wouldn't even dare to imagine this version of herself three years later. Even if I'd told her, she'd say that's impossible. I want you to breathe in and take this in for a moment. What you are today is beyond your wildest dreams from 3 years ago. Then, also know this. Regardless of what you are going through today, I know that you're going to overcome it. You will not just survive, but thrive. The future you is again going to outdo your grandest dreams of today. Of this, I have no doubt, and neither should you. My only request is this. Believe in yourself. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Now and forever.

Compassionately,
Your forever friend

I could have very well written this in a journal, but I write it in my blog in the hope that it helps you, my reader, to be more kind to yourself and maybe even write a similar version of this for yourself. You are awesome. :)