Thanksgiving: For the rain and the rainbow

December happens to be my birth month, and I take this time to reflect on all that life has brought my way. This year, like so many recent ones, has felt like a total roller-coaster. I have been through the lowest of the lows, and the highest of the highs. This post is my attempt at chronicling my experiences and perspective.

The first thing I am grateful for is always my family. I spent an entire summer abroad, away from family for the first time in my life this year, and this made me realize how lucky and blessed I am to have these people around and so close by. My husband is the first person I think of in this inner circle, and his presence in my life has transformed it in so many ways over the past six years. He makes me want to be the best version of myself, and at the end of the day, he is what adds meaning to my life and all its struggles. My parents have always been there for me in their own way, and I owe my strength, independence, and resilience in large part to their very unconventional upbringing. Even now, in times of their greatest struggle, they are showing me what determination, sacrifice and love look like by not berating me for all my absences. My in-laws have been a constant source of support, encouragement and happiness in these years when my parents have been dealing with so much. I lost my fourth and final grandparent this summer, and being abroad really amplified the loss. I felt like a part of my childhood was gone forever because the people who saw me that way were no longer around. But it also made me realize how lucky I was to have my grandfather around for three decades, and all the special memories we built over that time.

I am also grateful to my extended family - my sister-in law, my maternal and paternal aunts and uncles, and my cousins. This year, I had a chance to reconnect with a part of my paternal family that I had not met in decades, and that precious and beautiful time gave me the healing that I needed from my dad's stroke. The resemblances my uncle and aunt had with my dad and the anecdotes they shared all offered me succor and peace from the huge void my dad's illness and my grandfather's death had created. Unexpectedly, this trip also revealed that there were a few videos of my early childhood. I had never even known this, and getting access to them was one of the greatest blessings this year brought my way. I don't have any videos from my childhood, and watching these reminded me of how much love I had gotten from my parents and extended family in my childhood. It also made me realize how vast the gap between my current version and 3-year-old me is. Back then, I had no anxiety, I delighted in every small thing, I loved myself, and I simply existed in just the present moment. This gave me something to aspire to.

For a while now, I have felt that it is extremely hard for me to make new friends. But this summer proved me wrong, and I am so happy to have found such amazing people, and a few incredibly special ones. I remember so vividly the day I learned about my grandfather's death. I stepped out of the house feeling completely entrenched in grief and loneliness, but my day was filled with kind words and beautiful gestures from people who had only known me for a few weeks. It warmed my heart and made me feel truly cared for. Another time, a friend I had met only on 5-10 virtual calls offered to meet me in Boston. I was skeptical but decided to go with my instincts. Again, I was in for a delightful surprise, because I had a great time and felt genuine warmth and connection. Similarly, I finally chose to meet a friend in person after exchanging emails and messages for more than 6 years. I felt nervous that day, but I am so glad I went ahead. It felt like I was meeting an old friend, and all my nervousness vanished. These experiences have opened me up to the possibility of finding connection and friendship again, and I am a happier person thanks to this. To all the old friends in my life, I am so lucky that you chose to stick around for so long. As they say, it is a special joy to have a friend who not only knows your stories but has also lived them with you.

I am grateful for all the places I traveled to this year: Hampi, Mysore, Bhubhaneshwar, Wayanad, Boston, Detroit, New York, California and Amherst. Once I landed in Amherst, I realized that this was where my favorite Emily Dickinson lived, and I wasted no time in visiting her house/museum. I also walked the Robert Frost trail and visited the famous Smith College. Amherst gave me a quiet peaceful summer in the midst of nature, and it holds a very special place in my heart. New York was my first ever trip with a friend, and I enjoyed her company and the place so much. Hampi was with my husband's PhD advisor, and it was, again, a very special and different experience. I have stopped ticking off places on a checklist now. I go wherever and whenever the Universe takes me, and spend all the time I can in just one city. It doesn't matter how many places I visit in this lifetime. :)

Many animals have brightened up my life this year. I recall with particular fondness the baby goat that clung to me and refused to let go, and Kala the rambunctious labrador that I had the pleasure of playing with. Ginger, of course, my long time canine companion, thank you for staying this long. I am heartbroken at losing you, but you gave me so much in the time you were around. I visited two absolutely amazing animal places this year: Jeeva Park, a petting zoo, where I met and interacted with so many different animals including Kala, and Willie's Pet Paradise, a dog boarding/petting place with 50+ friendly dogs. Yes, you heard that right, 50!!! I loved seeing them all wander around frolicking and playing. It was an out of the world experience to be there amongst them. Lastly, to the newest additions to my in-laws' family, Caramel and Vanilla the adorable pups, and Subbu the affectionate kitten, they are truly my birthday presents this year, and the weekend I spent with them was blissful. I am so grateful to have this amazing experience! 

Although I write about it last, my PhD has been at the forefront this year too. I remember six years ago, a prospective advisor asked me why I wanted to do a PhD and I said that I wanted to shape and restructure my thinking process. I have been seeing that change come to reality, and it feels very fulfilling. I am able to think, reason, and question better than I ever thought I could, and I am learning not to be scared of uncertainty and unknowns. The PhD process is also teaching me to detach from outcomes, and that is an important learning for me. I am grateful for all the people I have worked with this year and for all their dedication and sacrifices in making things happen. I am grateful to have had many opportunities to travel, network, and intern this year.

Finally, I have gotten to the point of feeling grateful for all my experiences, whether I perceive them as good or bad in that moment. Walking is one of the best and healthiest coping mechanisms I have built, and it has really kept me sane in tough times. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I have walked 2000km this year. And promptly, I set a target for 2500km next year! I have also deepened my practice of yoga and pranayama, and this has helped me process many difficult experiences with relative ease. I am also grateful for all the (audio)books I read this year and for all that I have learned from them. I plan to continue the inner work next year and beyond. 

I don't know how next year is going to be, but I know that I will try to give it my best. in every way possible. Here's to being a kinder, wiser and happier human being!