Rising from the ashes: Breathe in, breathe out

Over these past three years, anxiousness has been my almost constant but unacknowledged companion. It never felt too severe to hamper my functioning, and I always brushed it off. It's been a stressful week. Maybe I've had too much caffeine, it's just jitters. I have had too little sleep for a while now, my nervous system is shot. Given my schedule and life, all these are very plausible and likely explanations for how I felt. And so, I continued on, finding coping mechanisms to deal with the bad days - no caffeine, meditation and breathing exercises, long walks. 

A few months back, in May, I was preparing to leave for a summer in Amherst. This would be my first time living alone abroad for a few months, and I was definitely nervous about it. My husband had to travel ahead of me, which meant that I also had the responsibility of cleaning and winding up the house before I left. Added to this, I had a paper deadline a few hours before I left, which meant I would get little to no sleep for a week before. I functioned very poorly after two days of bad sleep, and I had no idea how I would manage all of this. There were also personal worries - my grandfather and father were in very poor health, and I had fears of either or both of them passing away while I was gone.

But I didn't have time to dwell on any of this, and the days went by in a blur. I packed, I worked, I sent off my husband. I asked my in-laws to help out with closing the house. We worked harder and harder at the deadline, and finally made it. I had successfully done all of it, and I was so relieved. I came home at 6.30pm, feeling completely exhausted and at peace. I had to finish my final packing and leave for the airport in five hours. I felt no stress, though, because the hard parts were behind me. I did all of it and left for the airport, looking forward to sleeping through 20 hrs of my journey. I was almost excited.

The first leg of my journey was just 4.5 hrs. I settled in, and immediately fell asleep. I woke up when food was served, and gobbled it up, and started to nod off again. Suddenly, I was jolted awake. I realized that my breathing was shallow, and I couldn't get enough air. Panicked, I looked around, but my co-passengers were deep asleep. It got worse quickly, and I felt the edges of my vision blurring. I tried to reach for the flight attendant call button but couldn't move at all. I looked around, only to see inky black darkness and be even more scared. Is this how I'm going to die? I wondered. By then, I was also sweating profusely, and my palms were completely cold. Thankfully, something calm and soothing was playing on my earphones, and I tried to focus on that.

I don't know what happened for the next 15 minutes. I vaguely remember being able to breathe better, being drenched completely, and falling into an exhausted slumber. I woke up after an hour, feeling much better. I was still nervous. Had it been a heart attack? Altitude sickness? A panic attack? I tried to compare my symptoms with each of these but eventually gave up. I just wanted to be on solid ground again. I nervously counted down the minutes till I landed, and breathed a sigh of relief. I had made it out alive.

But I had an 18-hour flight ahead of me, and I dreaded it like nothing before. Even though it was the middle of the night in India, I called my husband and my Mom, and told them about what happened. They were very concerned, and we tried to figure out if I should not take the connecting flight. Eventually, I decided to take it. Getting on to that flight felt like the scariest thing I'd ever done. I was jolted by memories of what happened just a few hours ago, and I wondered what I'd do if it happened again. I had no idea. I just hoped that I'd be fine. After this experience, every flight has been associated with that fear for me, especially the transcontinental long-haul ones. Thankfully though, this hasn't happened again.

I don't know if that was a panic attack or altitude sickness, but I realized how much what I was listening to that day helped me, and that has made its way into my coping mechanisms. I have learned to be more self-aware of how I'm feeling every day, and on days when I feel anxious, I try to include as many soothing things as I can. I am grateful for my strong and resilient mind, for getting me through that day, and many more.