Rising from the ashes: One step forward, one step back

 Grief is a very non-linear journey, and I have known this for a very long time. Yet, each time I inhabit one of those black holes of loss, sorrow, worry and gloom, I forget this fact. Today is one such day, and I am writing this to remind myself and anyone else who may need this. 

I woke up today, feeling an intense sorrow. It took me completely by surprise, because nothing had "happened". I'd gone to bed last night feeling pretty normal, and yet I woke up feeling utterly sad. I racked my brain. Did I eat too much sugar? Was I having a delayed reaction to something that happened a while ago? I couldn't find a logical reason for my sadness, except that everything that had been going on suddenly added up and descended upon me today. I sighed and sat down. I thought about my grandfather's death, my dad's continued illness for almost three years now, and so many other tragedies before that. The tears started rolling down. 

This has been a very familiar experience over the past three years. Grief has been a surprise visitor every now and then, and I dread these moments because they rob me of the ability to focus, the ability to work, and the ability to have a normal day. They make me doubt if I'm making progress at all. They make me feel I've regressed back to my first few months of dealing with this. The anger, the frustration, the hopelessness, the insurmountable loss, I feel them all again. Why is my father still bedridden? Why doesn't he put in the effort to get better? Why does everyone else but him recover? How many years of this must I endure? Where is that person I knew as my father all my life? Will I ever see him again? Why do I never have good times with my parents? Why are they always so sad? Why is my life so terrible? I can't tell you how much I hate this, because it feels like all the hard work I put into fully accepting this reality was in vain. Didn't go through this a hundred times? Didn't I promise to never compare someone else's life with mine? Didn't I promise to never again ask why me? Didn't I arrive at a place where there was just peace, complete acceptance and no comparisons? Didn't I pat myself on the back, feeling proud of having made it? Then why am I here again? Why do I always end up here, feeling miserable?

I have no answers to any whys, except that this is how the journey is. The grief seems to come in waves. Suddenly, when you're not looking, there's a big overwhelming one. It threatens to take away the sand from under your feet. To destabilize you. That does not mean you haven't made progress. The fact that you don't always feel like this is a sign of progress. The fact that you recognize these patterns is a sign of progress. You know that you feel better in a while, and that, too, is a sign of progress. Breathe through this big overwhelming wave. Surrender to its force. Let it knock you down, but know that you will get up again. Know that for this bleak day of sorrow, there will also be another day where you wake feeling happy for no evident reason. There are many twists and turns in this unpredictable, chaotic, heartbreakingly beautiful journey of life. Breathe through it all. Be kind to yourself, and let yourself feel and experience whatever comes your way.