Thanksgiving: Inwards and onwards!

As is custom, I write this post on my birthday to express gratitude for another year in my life and reflect on all that I have learned. 2023 has been a very transformative year for me on so many fronts, and I am truly thankful for all these experiences.

First, a shoutout to the most important people in my life. My father celebrated his 74th birthday this year, and I am beyond grateful to have him in my life for one more year. After his stroke, I do not take anything for granted. I know that every single day he lives on this earth is a gift to me. Funnily enough, his illness has melted away all our differences, leaving nothing but love on either side. My mother continues to take on all the challenges life throws at her with admirable grace. This year, my grandfather took a turn for the worse, and is bedridden too. This hit me hard, but I worried much more about her, realizing that both her father and husband were chronically ill at the same time, leaving her as the only healthy and responsible adult at home. It has been 6 months since then, and I am filled with awe and inspiration as I watch her put her best foot forward relentlessly, day after day, even when all of us are daunted by the circumstances. I am so grateful to her for shouldering the majority of these responsibilities along with her career, enabling me to pursue a very demanding PhD. My husband has been my biggest supporter and nurturer ever since we got married, and living with him has taught me a lot. Especially in the past 2 years, with all the turmoil in my parental home, his support and unconditional love was the only thing that kept me going. Despite all his other commitments, he has always taken the time and effort to truly be there for me. These 3 people mean the world to me, and I owe them almost everything I have in this life. My in-laws deserve a special mention for stepping in to help out and support me several times this year. They always go the extra mile to support me and my goals, and I feel so blessed to have people who resonate with me so deeply. I'm also grateful to have Anima in my life, and I learn so much from her perspective and inputs. 

My PhD has its highs and lows, but I am really grateful to be able to be on this path and experience all of it. A decade ago, pursuing a PhD felt like a distant dream, and I so happy that I found the courage to pursue this dream despite all the obstacles. This year marked the completion of my comprehensive exam, a major milestone in the PhD journey. I also presented my first full paper at a prestigious conference. Looking back, it seems magical how all the paperwork and logistics for travel aligned at the last minute. I am grateful for all the people I've had the privilege of working with and all I've learned from them. Weirdly enough, I've thoroughly enjoyed all the debugs and puzzles that came my way, and the long hours it took to solve them. Being part of this lab has given me so many varied opportunities, and I am thankful for all of them. I hope to give back as much as I've gotten, if not more. 

On the social front, this year has been quiet but meaningful. A lot of friendships fell away naturally, and I cannot say that I didn't see it coming. I have spent most of my spare time this year on myself, and I have zero guilt or regret about this. I was at a place where I had to find my way to healing, and being with people didn't help with my grief at all. I turned down most if not all social invitations and spent my time in ways that brought me deep peace and meaning. I went on long solitary walks every day, read many wonderful books on mental health, nourished my soul with music classes and yoga practices, and spent as much time as I could with animals. The more time I spent in solitude, the more self-aware I became. Rather than bouncing reactively from situation to situation, I found a safe harbor from where I could watch the situations at a distance without being too affected by them. This felt like a breakthrough, and gave me a deep sense of satisfaction. To the few friends and family who stayed with me through the dark days and my need for solitude, I could not be more grateful to have you. I also had the pleasure of visiting 2 cat cafes this year - Romeow in Rome and Meows and Muffins in Bangalore. My in-laws' home Mysore remains one of my favorite places to visit, and I love spending time with their dogs Ginger and Chintu. I also had the privilege of revisiting Prani, and interacting with all the adorable animals. 

I traveled many times this year, mostly solo, and I am grateful for all the experiences from those trips. I look back fondly on memories from Mumbai, Kolkata, Cochin, Rome, Florida, Hampi and Mysore. Rome and Florida were my first solo international trips, and that was a different flavor of fun. The stars aligned, and I was able to vacation with my husband at Orlando for a week. Some of my favorite moments from these vacations are visiting Keats' grave in Rome, petting a dolphin at SeaWorld, watching the bears at Hampi, and visiting various events as part of the Mysore Dasara. Another highlight of this year has been finding walking trails in Bangalore and spending time there on the weekends - Jakkur lake, Avalahalli forest and GKVK feel particularly serene. Van Gogh 360 was a memorable experience too, although learning about his life evoked bittersweet emotions in me. I have also enjoyed my driving lessons in my new and adorable car - the Comet. This is another thing I'm really grateful for. 

There were many times this year where I was overwhelmed by grief, sorrow and regret for all that would never be. I learned to treat these periods as part of life. I learned to be kinder to myself and not judge what I was feeling. I still can't truthfully say that I'm grateful for these experiences, but I definitely see the changes they bring about in me. And I realise this might be exactly what I need to learn, and I am thankful for all the learning. 

Overall, I look back on this last year fondly. I have learnt to look at things with a different perspective, and that has made all the difference. I hope to carry this perspective into my thirties, and live more mindfully and peacefully.