Tribute to SMA: My journey with music

 My journey with music began as a toddler of 3 and a half years. My mother noticed that music soothed me when I was tempestuous and excited me when I was morose, and like several other South Indian mothers, immediately concluded that I should learn Carnatic Music, and the earlier the better. She sent me off to a teacher who was conveniently located next door, and who already taught a few people. The teacher looked at me in disbelief, as I hadn't even started kindergarten yet. She told my mother that I was too young, and that she should probably wait another year, but my mother was insistent. They finally came to the conclusion that I would be allowed to sit at the back of the class and listen, and that she would consider teaching me after a few months. So I went to class twice a week, and soon enough, I started singing along. My teacher changed her mind, and took me into her fold of students. I learnt this way for a year and a half, without understanding the grammar of a raga, without being able to speak very much, without understanding anything but the sound of these seven notes. My teacher was a soft-spoken, gentle human being, and I loved the couple of hours I spent in her company learning music every week. I was content in this little world.

But soon, life threw me a curveball. We had to move to a different house in a relatively far off locality, and suddenly my music was taken away from me. I felt a little lost, and my parents started their search for another teacher. Somehow, they never found a convenient one nearby. Slowly, the songs I had learnt started fading from memory. I would clutch onto that old worn diary where my teacher had written down all the songs for me, and try to recall them, but in vain. Years passed, and I went from a formal student of music to someone who listened to and hummed songs when free. I also learnt a bit of Western music in my school, and I found that I enjoyed that too. Then, many years later, in middle school, a Carnatic teacher started conducting classes in school. The timings were a little odd, but my mother made it work. I started learning anew. But after two years, when I reached pretty much the same point as before, my teacher stopped taking classes. I felt dejected, but I was in high school by then, and my parents were not as eager to find new classes. They asked me to focus on my studies, and consoled me that I could try again after my boards.

I finished my schooling, and moved on to pre-university, and everyone still said the same to me: This is the time to study. Music is only a hobby, and you can resume it later, when you have spare time. I went on to do my bachelors in engineering, but that elusive spare time never came. By then, I had also developed a complex-- I felt I was too old to start over. I visited a couple of classes, but they were chock full of young kids, and I felt extremely out of place. This regret of not being able to learn stayed with me. I saw my peers who had learned for more than 10 years now, and I envied them their learning. My mother shared my dejection because she too wanted me to learn.

Sometime during my masters, my mother pointed to a newspaper article and told me about Shankar Mahadevan Academy. I read the article, and I learnt that SMA was a completely online music school for Carnatic and Hindustani Vocals, one of the first of its kind in India. I was in awe: Online music classes. Now why hadn't I thought of that! But the fears of the past held me back, and I felt I too old and devoid of talent. Would a prestigious place like this even take me in? Would I be able to meet their standards? Would I have the time to do this justice? For after all these years, I had realized that the free time in life never comes, at least for someone like me who aspires to do many things, and excel in them all. Soon I would start working, and then something else, and so on and so forth, till I turned eighty. I feared being eighty and having the same regrets as today. I decided that I would not wait any longer.

Thus, in July of 2018, right after graduating from my Masters, I enrolled to a one-month course at SMA. One song was what I would be taught. The technology really impressed me-- online assignments, grading and certification, pre-recorded course material as well as recordings of every class, they had it all. Adding to that, I met a wonderful teacher, who encouraged me to join their Carnatic Vocal course. That is how my journey at SMA started, more than two years ago.

I learnt afresh for a third time. I unlearned everything I had learnt before, and learnt things the right way this time. And I will not lie to you, it has had its ups and downs. In these two years, I started my first job, got married, shifted houses, quit that first job and started another. I was assigned a new teacher after my first course, a second one that I connected very well with and deemed my guru, and then a third one who was a perfectionist, and then again my second one. So many changes. But wherever I went, whatever I did, music was there with me. I have had extremely hectic periods at work, and felt like I just couldn't do it anymore. When I felt this way, I would take a break for a month or so in between courses. Thanks to SMA's flexibility, I could do this. But I always found my way back to music, the way we keep gravitating to the people we love.

SMA also taught me that music is for everyone who wishes to learn--age, gender, religion, caste did not play a role. There is a 90+ year old man who learns music at SMA. There probably also is a 3 year old kid. I am equally proud of them both. I have also stopped envying people who could learn in their childhood, and have made peace with my journey. From looking at it as: It took all those years to get here. What a waste! I now see it as: All of that struggle, all of those attempts, were trying to get me to the beauty of this moment. That was the path that led me here, and if I am here today, it is that path I have to thank. And this is just the beginning.

To be honest though, initially, I wouldn't practise much. Maybe an hour every week. I found that itself hard to put in, and I would constantly give excuses about work. I learned, but I did not excel. This year, during the lockdown, several things that would eat away into my time, like my commute, were taken away. I practised more--as much as four hours for every one hour class I took. I revised old songs, put in an hour of pre-work before every class, and tried many assignments that my teacher suggested. I began singing the same song multiple times. Over and over again. 10...20...50...a hundred times. I hit that threshold where you start seeing improvements. I was inspired to practise more. I signed up to perform in SMA's Annual Global Meet. My Guru pushed my limits till I felt I would break. And then he said: I think you're ready. Go sing.

I write this today after watching my performance go live on Youtube, with the legends of music Shankar Mahadevan and Shreya Ghoshal listening to it and giving feedback. I had goosebumps the whole time. I was singing with kids this time too, and I am sure I will hear comments on how I am still learning the basics or about how I should have reached this level of proficiency in school, but it does not matter to me anymore. This is my journey, and all that matters is that. Not how old I am, or what I'm learning, or when I reach a certain level of proficiency. The journey is what matters, and every person's journey is unique to them. I am extremely thankful to Shankar Mahadevan, for having such a glorious vision and bringing it to reality in the form of SMA, and making my life that much more beautiful. I am grateful to every one of my teachers so far, and especially the one I call my Guru. He has had a pivotal part in encouraging and inspiring me to grow and find the joy of music, and he continues to do so. I am forever indebted to him for believing in me, and being a part of my journey. :)