A sky of my own
This was an article I wanted to write on Mother's Day, when I saw several people glorifying the sacrifices of women. It is yet another form of patriarchy, I thought. But I did not type this article out, because I felt that my words weren't yet ready for the world, they needed to percolate in my mind and gain clarity. Today, a week later, I have found inspiration in a movie, and at that a Bollywood one, which is a very rare occurrence for me. If you haven't watched the movie yet--it is called Thappad(slap in Hindi) -- and would like to do so with a mind that is untarnished with my opinions and descriptions, please read my article after you watch the movie. I do not wish to spoil something so wonderful for you. :) This movie is a superb work of art, something perhaps a little ahead of its time, at least in Indian society. It is a very nuanced exploration of feminism, domestic violence, patriarchy, agency and social conditioning. Without further ado, let's get into what I have to say about it!
We find our female protagonist leading a perfect life as a housewife, fitting into her husband's family and life like a cog in a large machine. The scenes are typical--you find her waking up early, attending to various chores, taking care of her husband and mother-in-law. Her husband has yet another typical high profile, tension filled job, and his is a career centered life. That being said, he is never cruel to his wife. He is the average husband, going about his work, accepting his wife's sacrifices and servitude and taking it for granted, taking her out on the occasional dinner and giving her gifts as a sign of his love. Both parties are happy with this arrangement. Until one day, in the midst of a heated altercation with his colleagues, he slaps his wife, who is trying to pull him away from getting into a fight.
With that one slap, her world comes crashing down. She decides to first take a break from her husband, and eventually decides to divorce him, despite being pregnant with his child.
Now, this, in itself is a very controversial point for most people. In Indian society and perhaps several others, abuse and domestic violence in various degrees are condoned off as normal. Women are taught to accept abuse and rationalize it as a sacrifice that is necessary for keeping a family together. They are also taught to internalize their feelings of unhappiness on the grounds that a woman's happiness lies in the happiness of the family. They are taught that marriages have their good and bad parts, and that abuse is a due they must pay to enjoy the good parts, such as children.
In such a society and such a country, imagine a woman divorcing a husband on the grounds of a mere slap. We hear the shocked reactions from several people, even her own family members and legal counsel.
But he has never hit you before. He was wrong to hit me now.
This is the first time. It is still wrong.
He is a good guy, and there has been nothing else. That doesn't matter.
You must not take this so seriously, and move on. You are wrong in expecting that of me.
One single slap, and it is still wrong, the protagonist tells the world. He does not have the right to hit me at all. Not once, not ever.
One could argue that this is taking it too far. But in a society where a slap is brushed off ever so casually, perhaps it takes an emphatic and extreme portrayal such as this, to get the point across to people: Abuse, in any form, even one off, is wrong. It cannot be condoned or normalized. This movie is a slap to our society.
But it doesn't end here. That's the beauty of this movie. It's layered. The slap is merely a metaphor for so much more.
You see, the slap was life altering for our protagonist. With it, her perception of her life changed. Like so many impactful events, it rewrote the past for her. She saw through the facade of her perfect life now. She no longer saw herself as happy or respected. She realised that she had lost her identity and individuality. She was living as her husband's shadow. She was the wallpaper, mere ornamentation. She falls out of love with her husband, and decides that she cannot stay married to him. She leaves him, in pursuit of her own happiness. She does not change her decision, even when she learns that is she is pregnant, even when he finally apologizes to her, which shows how deeply she believes in her convictions. It also goes against the societal norm of a mother sacrificing everything when it comes to her child-- a woman who has a child and seeks divorce is deemed selfish, because she is heedless of the child's future and is almost certainly dooming it.
The other major revelation that this movie has is this: Patriarchy isn't always about overt displays of power, about stomping on a woman and crushing her. It isn't always about active intentional suppression. Sometimes, it can be about letting things be just the way they are. It can be about not questioning society's definition of normal. It can be about leading a life of privilege, without bothering to question the fairness of it to the other party. It can happen well and easily without one being aware of it, while being an otherwise "good" person.
We see this with the protagonist's parents. The wife says that her husband has never actively suppressed her, but that he also didn't he stand up for her or encourage her when she gave up her dreams for her family. Doesn't it amount to the same thing? She asks.
Indeed, it does. And it is a very subtle manifestation of privilege and patriarchy, one that is harder for us to uproot, because it is based on deep social conditioning. Her husband is baffled at this, because he has thought of himself as a feminist all along, someone who always did right by his wife, and now he finds his perceptions upturned.
Does this make him less of a "good" man? Does he belong in the ranks of men who actively participate in patriarchy? Who is to blame, if this man doesn't even realize that his actions are not right? Is it society? Is it his upbringing? Is it his wife, who did not stand up for herself? These are interesting questions, and they uncover the vast grey areas that are typically found in educated upper middle class families. Having watched this, we must teach ourselves to be more aware of such behaviour and do our best to prevent it.
The messaging in this movie is very subtle, and it's really easy to get it wrong. For example, you might be a woman reading this, someone who finds herself in a similar role, taking care of several people and chores. You might wonder, is this movie advocating some new-fangled notion of feminism that proclaims walking out on marriages and children? Is it wrong to sacrifice and take care of my family? I feel happy about these sacrifices of mine, I really relate to the notion that my happiness is in the happiness of others. These are choices I voluntarily made. Is that wrong?
No, definitely not. As women, we take on roles of daughters, sisters, wives and mothers, all of which typically involve a great deal of care-giving and nurturing. The way we structure these roles and how much we sacrifice for them is up to us. If you feel like giving up your career for your family is worth it, then you are fully entitled to do so. But do not lose your identity in the process. Do not lose your happiness and your self-respect. These are not worth trading away. Not for your husband. Not for your children. You might be a wife and mother, and that is a great part of your identity. But your identity is not just that. You are more. You are you, a whole person with dreams, ambitions and aspirations, whatever they may be.
If it comes to that, a point where you no longer have an identity, you have every right to question the people who have led to that and walk out on them. Societal norms do not matter. You owe it to yourself. This is a powerful message, for a culture that is so focused on glorifying women's sacrifices and building women's identities around that. A woman who steps out of this norm is deprived of everything ranging from social acceptance to glory, and is viewed as a "selfish" outcast. Perhaps this message will help us widen our perceptions of women, and accept and glorify the ones who wish to retain their individuality and agency.
This movie presents a seemingly basic yet highly ambitious goal that every woman should aspire for: have your own sky. I could not agree more, and I will end this article with a rough English translation of that beautiful poem(The original Hindi version is titled Mera bhi ek aasman ho) that moved me to tears. I hope that you, my reader, always find the courage to stand up for yourself and find your sky, for you are worth it. Such a move might not always be practical, as one of my friends pointed out. Nor is it easy. But if all of us took the easy way, how will the world change? To that glorious ideal of being your own person! :)
We find our female protagonist leading a perfect life as a housewife, fitting into her husband's family and life like a cog in a large machine. The scenes are typical--you find her waking up early, attending to various chores, taking care of her husband and mother-in-law. Her husband has yet another typical high profile, tension filled job, and his is a career centered life. That being said, he is never cruel to his wife. He is the average husband, going about his work, accepting his wife's sacrifices and servitude and taking it for granted, taking her out on the occasional dinner and giving her gifts as a sign of his love. Both parties are happy with this arrangement. Until one day, in the midst of a heated altercation with his colleagues, he slaps his wife, who is trying to pull him away from getting into a fight.
With that one slap, her world comes crashing down. She decides to first take a break from her husband, and eventually decides to divorce him, despite being pregnant with his child.
Now, this, in itself is a very controversial point for most people. In Indian society and perhaps several others, abuse and domestic violence in various degrees are condoned off as normal. Women are taught to accept abuse and rationalize it as a sacrifice that is necessary for keeping a family together. They are also taught to internalize their feelings of unhappiness on the grounds that a woman's happiness lies in the happiness of the family. They are taught that marriages have their good and bad parts, and that abuse is a due they must pay to enjoy the good parts, such as children.
In such a society and such a country, imagine a woman divorcing a husband on the grounds of a mere slap. We hear the shocked reactions from several people, even her own family members and legal counsel.
But he has never hit you before. He was wrong to hit me now.
This is the first time. It is still wrong.
He is a good guy, and there has been nothing else. That doesn't matter.
You must not take this so seriously, and move on. You are wrong in expecting that of me.
One single slap, and it is still wrong, the protagonist tells the world. He does not have the right to hit me at all. Not once, not ever.
One could argue that this is taking it too far. But in a society where a slap is brushed off ever so casually, perhaps it takes an emphatic and extreme portrayal such as this, to get the point across to people: Abuse, in any form, even one off, is wrong. It cannot be condoned or normalized. This movie is a slap to our society.
But it doesn't end here. That's the beauty of this movie. It's layered. The slap is merely a metaphor for so much more.
You see, the slap was life altering for our protagonist. With it, her perception of her life changed. Like so many impactful events, it rewrote the past for her. She saw through the facade of her perfect life now. She no longer saw herself as happy or respected. She realised that she had lost her identity and individuality. She was living as her husband's shadow. She was the wallpaper, mere ornamentation. She falls out of love with her husband, and decides that she cannot stay married to him. She leaves him, in pursuit of her own happiness. She does not change her decision, even when she learns that is she is pregnant, even when he finally apologizes to her, which shows how deeply she believes in her convictions. It also goes against the societal norm of a mother sacrificing everything when it comes to her child-- a woman who has a child and seeks divorce is deemed selfish, because she is heedless of the child's future and is almost certainly dooming it.
The other major revelation that this movie has is this: Patriarchy isn't always about overt displays of power, about stomping on a woman and crushing her. It isn't always about active intentional suppression. Sometimes, it can be about letting things be just the way they are. It can be about not questioning society's definition of normal. It can be about leading a life of privilege, without bothering to question the fairness of it to the other party. It can happen well and easily without one being aware of it, while being an otherwise "good" person.
We see this with the protagonist's parents. The wife says that her husband has never actively suppressed her, but that he also didn't he stand up for her or encourage her when she gave up her dreams for her family. Doesn't it amount to the same thing? She asks.
Indeed, it does. And it is a very subtle manifestation of privilege and patriarchy, one that is harder for us to uproot, because it is based on deep social conditioning. Her husband is baffled at this, because he has thought of himself as a feminist all along, someone who always did right by his wife, and now he finds his perceptions upturned.
Does this make him less of a "good" man? Does he belong in the ranks of men who actively participate in patriarchy? Who is to blame, if this man doesn't even realize that his actions are not right? Is it society? Is it his upbringing? Is it his wife, who did not stand up for herself? These are interesting questions, and they uncover the vast grey areas that are typically found in educated upper middle class families. Having watched this, we must teach ourselves to be more aware of such behaviour and do our best to prevent it.
The messaging in this movie is very subtle, and it's really easy to get it wrong. For example, you might be a woman reading this, someone who finds herself in a similar role, taking care of several people and chores. You might wonder, is this movie advocating some new-fangled notion of feminism that proclaims walking out on marriages and children? Is it wrong to sacrifice and take care of my family? I feel happy about these sacrifices of mine, I really relate to the notion that my happiness is in the happiness of others. These are choices I voluntarily made. Is that wrong?
No, definitely not. As women, we take on roles of daughters, sisters, wives and mothers, all of which typically involve a great deal of care-giving and nurturing. The way we structure these roles and how much we sacrifice for them is up to us. If you feel like giving up your career for your family is worth it, then you are fully entitled to do so. But do not lose your identity in the process. Do not lose your happiness and your self-respect. These are not worth trading away. Not for your husband. Not for your children. You might be a wife and mother, and that is a great part of your identity. But your identity is not just that. You are more. You are you, a whole person with dreams, ambitions and aspirations, whatever they may be.
If it comes to that, a point where you no longer have an identity, you have every right to question the people who have led to that and walk out on them. Societal norms do not matter. You owe it to yourself. This is a powerful message, for a culture that is so focused on glorifying women's sacrifices and building women's identities around that. A woman who steps out of this norm is deprived of everything ranging from social acceptance to glory, and is viewed as a "selfish" outcast. Perhaps this message will help us widen our perceptions of women, and accept and glorify the ones who wish to retain their individuality and agency.
This movie presents a seemingly basic yet highly ambitious goal that every woman should aspire for: have your own sky. I could not agree more, and I will end this article with a rough English translation of that beautiful poem(The original Hindi version is titled Mera bhi ek aasman ho) that moved me to tears. I hope that you, my reader, always find the courage to stand up for yourself and find your sky, for you are worth it. Such a move might not always be practical, as one of my friends pointed out. Nor is it easy. But if all of us took the easy way, how will the world change? To that glorious ideal of being your own person! :)
Yes, I have turned my veil into my sky
For if my path strays from my desires
Or my chest falls short of breath
I should still have that sky of mine.
I wish to scatter myself in every direction
Call out for me in every direction
If you find me yet again, hold me close.
But fold my sky and return it to me
So you have a sky of your own
And I have a sky of my own.
"Having watched this, we must teach ourselves to be more aware of such behaviour and do our best to prevent it." I love this!.. if more people understand we would make progress. Thank you for this article ♥️♥️♥️
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot! :)
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