A creeper of fear
Another one of my paranoid lines of thought, while I adapt to being married:)
I do not know how to handle these emotions. Dependence scares me; the feeling of missing someone is terrifying. I watch you leave, and it is a struggle to be nonchalant about it. But I persist, because if not nonchalance, what would be the alternative? An emotional outburst? I abhor the very thought of it. And yet, there is so much I want to say before you leave. Will every time be like this? I wonder. I do not want to feel any of this, much less acknowledge it or give it a voice. But denial is only a facade. It eventually peels away, exposing vulnerability. I am scared that love will turn into a chain that binds me all too tightly to you, wounding me every time you step away. I fear that I will get too used to your presence to live happily in your absence. The adrenaline of the lows and highs are too tumultuous for me to accept, it is equanimity that I relish and cherish. This person I am turning into, the choices I'm making, every thing I do differently is yet another reminder of how much change life has brought about. I used to crave solitude, and now a home without you feels like hollow walls of stone. I used to be fiercely independent, and now I seem to follow you around like a lost puppy. I fear that I will drink in your words too deeply and lose my own voice. I fear turning into a shadow. I fear love, because it seems to deprive me of logic. And what am I without sense? An irrational human being, craving for you like an addict their (I use their as a gender neutral singular pronoun lest someone asks of me if I think all addicts are men :P) hit. Give me like, for like I can deal with. But not love, because it is a fire that is all consuming, leaving ashes in its wake. Not love, because love is way too intense an emotion for someone like me.
I do not know how to handle these emotions. Dependence scares me; the feeling of missing someone is terrifying. I watch you leave, and it is a struggle to be nonchalant about it. But I persist, because if not nonchalance, what would be the alternative? An emotional outburst? I abhor the very thought of it. And yet, there is so much I want to say before you leave. Will every time be like this? I wonder. I do not want to feel any of this, much less acknowledge it or give it a voice. But denial is only a facade. It eventually peels away, exposing vulnerability. I am scared that love will turn into a chain that binds me all too tightly to you, wounding me every time you step away. I fear that I will get too used to your presence to live happily in your absence. The adrenaline of the lows and highs are too tumultuous for me to accept, it is equanimity that I relish and cherish. This person I am turning into, the choices I'm making, every thing I do differently is yet another reminder of how much change life has brought about. I used to crave solitude, and now a home without you feels like hollow walls of stone. I used to be fiercely independent, and now I seem to follow you around like a lost puppy. I fear that I will drink in your words too deeply and lose my own voice. I fear turning into a shadow. I fear love, because it seems to deprive me of logic. And what am I without sense? An irrational human being, craving for you like an addict their (I use their as a gender neutral singular pronoun lest someone asks of me if I think all addicts are men :P) hit. Give me like, for like I can deal with. But not love, because it is a fire that is all consuming, leaving ashes in its wake. Not love, because love is way too intense an emotion for someone like me.
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