Existential meanderings: On an enigma called Ambition
Around mid-morning today, my friend sent me a link to something that we should have probably done;something with an impending deadline. One week. Damn. There's no way I can do this. Or can I? I wonder in silent trepidation. My echo, she texts me This was always on our agenda. Weren't we free in January? What did we do the whole month? It wasn't very comforting to hear my own regrets voiced out so lucidly by someone else. Double damage.
I'm never wise enough to know when to stop. I dig my own grave deeper; by clicking on hyperlinks that only intensify my feelings of utter worthlessness. People who seem to be doing so much, opportunities that seem too good to be true. Regret morphs into anxiety and I feel weighed down by it all. Like an infinite recursion that will not stop until it segfaults, my mind insists upon wading farther into these murky waters.
I ponder over this, where was it that I lost my way? Unlike the older generation or even less fortunate people of our own, I cannot complain about lack of exposure. I have always been aware. Was it ambition that I then lacked? In the earlier years of my life, maybe this was true. I was always that kid who when asked the annoyingly familiar question what do you want to become? could not articulate any grandiose pictures for the future. I used to be more of a let me cross that bridge when I get to it person. Although I was terribly upset by my flagrant lack of ambition and berated myself for it, I also consoled myself that eventually,inevitably, direction would find its way to me.
As years went by, I decided that it is better to aim at something than shoot in the dark,hoping to hit something and then call that your target. And so, I spent hours thinking of all the things I wanted from life and started working my way towards them,one goal at a time. But very often, what I met at the top of the mountain was disillusionment. A feeling of looking down from the peak and feeling as if the gigantic mountain had suddenly morphed into a tiny molehill.
I look around in bewilderment as I see people of various kinds. Some,who like the past me, never had ambitions. Their existence was rooted in complacence and oblivion. But they seemed happy with their lot.Some who trod along the beaten track of commonplace ambition--build a house,get a car--the endless nonsensical list. These people seemed to be chasing their tails,for their list would only grow from the other end even as it shortened from one. Others who had too many ambitions--not that I'm condemning this--but it reminded me of the man from Tolstoy's How Much Land Does a Man Need. These people spend their entire life trying to run towards their goals, forgetting everything else in the process. Although their single-mindedness should in theory be appreciated, in real life, they end up more as social outcasts. And then, there is another category that yours truly currently belongs to.The overthinking kind.People who spend more time in actually debating every possible outcome of a tiny decision that they end up in inaction most of the times.:P
I'm looking everywhere I can to find a person who knows exactly what he/she wants, works towards it in all sincerity without being dragged down into the quagmire that is overthinking, and can still invest time and energy into the other meaningful aspects of life. I'm sure such people exist.And maybe I can learn a thing or two from them about this thing they call Ambition.Once I find them,that is.Until then,you shall be subjected to more of my maddening rants.:D
P.S:I started writing this on Tuesday and abandoned it midway coz well,life got in the way. Today, I stared at the 3 paragraphs for a long time,wondering what in hell I'd planned to write. For the life of me, I couldn't remember. I took it along a new direction, whatever came to mind today. Which made me realize just how fleeting my own thoughts are !
I'm never wise enough to know when to stop. I dig my own grave deeper; by clicking on hyperlinks that only intensify my feelings of utter worthlessness. People who seem to be doing so much, opportunities that seem too good to be true. Regret morphs into anxiety and I feel weighed down by it all. Like an infinite recursion that will not stop until it segfaults, my mind insists upon wading farther into these murky waters.
I ponder over this, where was it that I lost my way? Unlike the older generation or even less fortunate people of our own, I cannot complain about lack of exposure. I have always been aware. Was it ambition that I then lacked? In the earlier years of my life, maybe this was true. I was always that kid who when asked the annoyingly familiar question what do you want to become? could not articulate any grandiose pictures for the future. I used to be more of a let me cross that bridge when I get to it person. Although I was terribly upset by my flagrant lack of ambition and berated myself for it, I also consoled myself that eventually,inevitably, direction would find its way to me.
As years went by, I decided that it is better to aim at something than shoot in the dark,hoping to hit something and then call that your target. And so, I spent hours thinking of all the things I wanted from life and started working my way towards them,one goal at a time. But very often, what I met at the top of the mountain was disillusionment. A feeling of looking down from the peak and feeling as if the gigantic mountain had suddenly morphed into a tiny molehill.
I look around in bewilderment as I see people of various kinds. Some,who like the past me, never had ambitions. Their existence was rooted in complacence and oblivion. But they seemed happy with their lot.Some who trod along the beaten track of commonplace ambition--build a house,get a car--the endless nonsensical list. These people seemed to be chasing their tails,for their list would only grow from the other end even as it shortened from one. Others who had too many ambitions--not that I'm condemning this--but it reminded me of the man from Tolstoy's How Much Land Does a Man Need. These people spend their entire life trying to run towards their goals, forgetting everything else in the process. Although their single-mindedness should in theory be appreciated, in real life, they end up more as social outcasts. And then, there is another category that yours truly currently belongs to.The overthinking kind.People who spend more time in actually debating every possible outcome of a tiny decision that they end up in inaction most of the times.:P
I'm looking everywhere I can to find a person who knows exactly what he/she wants, works towards it in all sincerity without being dragged down into the quagmire that is overthinking, and can still invest time and energy into the other meaningful aspects of life. I'm sure such people exist.And maybe I can learn a thing or two from them about this thing they call Ambition.Once I find them,that is.Until then,you shall be subjected to more of my maddening rants.:D
P.S:I started writing this on Tuesday and abandoned it midway coz well,life got in the way. Today, I stared at the 3 paragraphs for a long time,wondering what in hell I'd planned to write. For the life of me, I couldn't remember. I took it along a new direction, whatever came to mind today. Which made me realize just how fleeting my own thoughts are !
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