Reflections of a restless eccentric

 Ever have one of those days where everything seems to go wrong on multiple fronts? I've been having a few of those lately. Actually, if I'm being honest, it's been a few weeks now. And I haven't been too nice to myself through this phase. Many times, I relentlessly point out all the things I should have done better. Needless to say, this doesn't help me feel any better. Sometimes I'd wish, if only I had a compassionate friend who knew all the minutiae of my life and could point out all the things I'm doing right instead, it would feel so much nicer. While I'm blessed with many such people in my life, today, I'm trying something different. I'm trying to be that friend to myself and reduce all the negative inner chatter. So humor me, dear reader, and come along on this highlight reel of my life with me. This is really hard to write for me because I'm so used to criticizing myself ! :) I remember you from three years ago. In fact, I particularl...

Dear Stranger, I don't know you, and probably never will. But I have gone through periods of intense darkness in my life, and maybe you are going through one right now. I know it can feel very overwhelming, with no beginning or end in sight. Maybe you feel that your life is horrible, or don't see a way to make things better. First of all, I am really sorry that you are going through this. I really wish you didn't have to, because you deserve good things and happiness.  I hope you have someone who loves you very dearly, and helps you through these dark days. I struggled to talk to my loved ones through these phases, so I understand if you haven't yet reached out. Even if you feel you don't have anyone who really cares, you have me. It may feel strange to you that I care about a person that I don't know and have never met. But weirdly enough, I do. I feel deeply connected to you because I have gone through a lot of ups and downs in life (more downs than ups in rec...

 Acceptance is something I have struggled with a lot in the past 3.5 years after my Dad's stroke. Somewhere around last year, I fully accepted this event in my life. I made my peace with it. I even saw it as a blessing. I was able to appreciate how this seemingly catastrophic event forced me to take a long hard look at my life and make changes. It was the beginning of a new life for me, and as difficult as the journey was, I feel truly grateful for all of it. To say that it has been transformative is an understatement. I have grown into a much kinder, wiser and peaceful human being, and I see that it is not possible to get here without going through what I went through. However, the other side of the acceptance coin still haunts me. How could I accept this event for my father? He was a strong, able, happy person before. And after, it was like the light went out in him. He became a chronically ill, depressed, anxious person, constantly screaming, struggling and in pain. One of my fu...

 I have burrowed my head in self-help books for the past couple of years, and the one theme I found in several of them is this: taking responsibility for whatever shows up in our lives. I found this very hard to accept or internalize, and I often found myself saying:  But this is not my fault! It was so and so who was so awful. Taking responsibility for this means condoning their behavior, and why should I do that?  After my Dad's stroke, I felt that life had been extremely unfair to me. Here were all my friends and peers, enjoying the prime of their lives, traveling, celebrating, and surrounded by parental and familial love. Contrast that to my life: I already had a grueling schedule with my PhD program, and now I had to deal with hospital visits, logistic, and financial woes, not to mention the huge emotional toll. Even when I slept, I had nightmares. I was at the lowest point in my entire life, and I couldn't see how things would get better.  And so, when I first ...