Reflections of a restless eccentric

 I have not written for a while now, because I have been upset at my reality and the dissonance between that and what I wanted. I had expected my father's recovery to be slow and arduous, but I was completely unprepared for the emotional state it left him in. I have seen my father as a strong and resilient individual, and he has overcome many setbacks in his life. And so, I expected this setback to be temporary too. That within no time, he would go back to an optimistic state of mind and take on his old roles in the family. Maybe not physically, but at least emotionally.  But what has happened is the opposite. He has been extremely depressed; his emotions are very fragile. In the middle of a normal conversation, he would start sobbing. At first, I didn't even know how to react to this. I was just frozen, trying to take in this new identity of the man I had known all along as my father. Gradually, it worsened. He slept very poorly, restless all night, crying out in pain. He fre...

Dear God, I write from a place of utter darkness. I see a single ray of light from really really far. But you know the world outside, the one from which that ray of light emanates? That's what I've aspired for since a very long time. I have worked towards it, given it everything I have. The path was never easy. Sometimes, I did not even dare to hope, because it seemed too audacious. I just took a step, and then another, and yet another. Today I stand at a fork in this road--the one that always seems to confront me--complacence, the safer sibling and progress, the riskier one. (This is so very similar to a post I wrote a few months ago:  The Waterfall Dilemma .) I don't really know about the world outside. For all I know, it may be as dismal as the one inside. Yet, it could turn out to be just perfect. I ask myself, what do I lose? At worst, you would end up where you were before. But today, I have something to lose. You see, the last time I made this choice, I had som...

Why is normalcy the costliest commodity in my life? It remains unattainably pristine, serenely smiling at me While I drown in the quagmire that is turbulence Clutching for anything that can serve as a stronghold Only to find myself drawn in deeper, staring at despondence in all its dark glory Normalcy is only five breaths away,  Close your eyes and breathe deeply You shall open your eyes to absolute peace And all your suffering will seem like a bad dream I delude myself with these nectarine lies But lies they are and lies they shall remain Every step is fraught with pain and sorrow Someday I will probably sigh and stop fighting, let the current carry me away But that someday is still not here,  And I breathe like a creature only half alive Wearied as I am, I still struggle Not wanting any part of my misfortunes to be attributed to lack of initiative Anguish follows me like a searing shadow I use courage as a salve, and wear those sc...

NB: Marked personal.Reader's discretion advised. I've been staring blankly at the screen for the better part of an hour, wondering if I should actually verbalize this or just let it go. 2nd July 2017. One year to this day. What do I say? It feels so wrong that this actually happened, and that it happened to someone so good and undeserving of even the least suffering. Even as I say this, I know how unrealistic I'm being. People all over the world die, and she was just another number. Yet another statistic. Just because she was someone close to me, I feel this with so much intensity. It was all so sudden and traumatic, and that period of one year seems out of some nightmare now. Countless tests, those irradiation sessions. The heart-wrenching vicious cycle of hope followed by despair--till at one point you become numb to both. Sheer helplessness at the face of it. Having to see someone close to you go through so much and not being able to do a single thing about it...

What do I do with those questions that plague me in the middle of the night? How do I answer them? What do I do when , after two hours of watching randomly pointless videos, I still can't silence those voices in my head? The edge of the waterfall. The point of splendor, the point of no return. Beneath me, water cascades into a magnificent fury of passionate spray and rage. It is the only manifestation of water that almost resembles fire. Awe inspiring in its sheer force. Behind me lies a path well-trodden, much worse for all the wear. It does not even warrant a second glance, for it holds no treasures waiting to be unlocked.Could complacence be any less alluring? My eyes are only on the waterfall, and I cannot take them off anymore than I could stop breathing. Yet, it is not an easy plunge, even more so because I cannot see into the abyss. No matter how hard I look, all I can see is the mist of foam and uncertainty. What lies beneath is shrouded from my eyes, maybe intentionally...

Note:Either treat this as personal and refrain from reading or read imagining it to be fiction. Does it mean that this could be cancer? He asks her,in a voice that is rich with undertones of worry. No,it just has to be ruled out. She answers,in the comfortingly evasive manner that physicians choose to answer any question to which the answer is uncertain. He isn't convinced.Ruling out sounds suspiciously like could be.He asks her: What if it is?What are the consequences? I push my already plugged in earphones harder into my ears in a desperate attempt to drown out this conversation. I've seen and heard too much. I don't want to know anymore. Ignorance is really bliss. This hospital feels too familiar for my comfort.I can even remember the ironically optimistic quotes on the staircase landing of every floor. A hundred unwelcome memories that have now been soothed away by the blurry hands of time resurface to the top of my mind.  There are possibilit...

I might as well write something while I wallow in sorrow:) Marked personal.Again,I don't mind people reading.Not so sad.It's your call,Reader. My mother and father,in terms of their personalities,are placed at extreme opposites of the spectrum.My dad seems extremely emotionless and cold,while my Mom is overtly emotional and impulsive.My dad is short-tempered while my Mom never loses hers.My Dad is highly impatient and my Mom is the epitome of patience.The list goes on and on.Ideally,you'd expect me to be the perfect combination of the two,having inherited both of their qualities.Ah,if only natural selection were that simple:P--Darwin wouldn't have written Origin of Species. I am not the balance between them--instead I seem to have both sets of traits in me.Depending on the circumstance,one of them dominates.This almost makes me sound like I'm bipolar:P To be fair to them,they both also have a lot in common.For instance,they're both workaholics.Used to be ...

Warning:I write this in soul-wrenching agony,in an overwhelming need to attain catharsis. Read only if you can take it! I write here knowing that not many people will read. Still,this happens to be really personal--if you're looking for something normal,please read some other post. I come home to find a parcel containing something that I'd ordered.I open it impatiently to find that it's exactly as I imagined it to be.I knock on my Mom's door,knowing that she's busy,yet all too eager to show her.She opens the door in the midst of a patient's consultation.The look on her face makes my stomach turn over. Brain hemorrhage ,she says. She's in the ICU.Not more than a week.They already got the forms signed.Need cash.Draw some when free. Her sentences are terse,probably trying to keep emotions at bay while she's at work.But her eyes are bottomless pools of agony.She promptly shuts the door and goes back to work.She's what they call a karmayogi . Profes...

Warning:This is rather dark.Read only if you wish to.I write because I need to.It's cathartic.You,on the other hand,have an option not to read:) I was 4 and she was 1.My mom had asked me to take care of her.She lay in the cradle,sound asleep.I sat by her,watching her.Suddenly, she rolled over.The jerkiness of the movement tilted the makeshift cradle and almost overturned it.I realized,in horror,that she would topple to the ground any moment.I tried to hold her,but she was too heavy for me.I frantically called out for my mom,all the while feeling the strain in my arms.She immediately came running and took over the baby from me.She smiled at me."Your sister could have been hurt very badly if it weren't for your presence of mind."I looked at her and smiled.I realised that I loved her.My sister. She has a vacant gaze in her eyes.I hand her a cup of coffee.Her hands shake a lot.She ends up spilling half the coffee.She drinks what's left of it and tries to stand up....