Reflections of a restless eccentric

 Ever have one of those days where everything seems to go wrong on multiple fronts? I've been having a few of those lately. Actually, if I'm being honest, it's been a few weeks now. And I haven't been too nice to myself through this phase. Many times, I relentlessly point out all the things I should have done better. Needless to say, this doesn't help me feel any better. Sometimes I'd wish, if only I had a compassionate friend who knew all the minutiae of my life and could point out all the things I'm doing right instead, it would feel so much nicer. While I'm blessed with many such people in my life, today, I'm trying something different. I'm trying to be that friend to myself and reduce all the negative inner chatter. So humor me, dear reader, and come along on this highlight reel of my life with me. This is really hard to write for me because I'm so used to criticizing myself ! :) I remember you from three years ago. In fact, I particularl...

Dear Stranger, I don't know you, and probably never will. But I have gone through periods of intense darkness in my life, and maybe you are going through one right now. I know it can feel very overwhelming, with no beginning or end in sight. Maybe you feel that your life is horrible, or don't see a way to make things better. First of all, I am really sorry that you are going through this. I really wish you didn't have to, because you deserve good things and happiness.  I hope you have someone who loves you very dearly, and helps you through these dark days. I struggled to talk to my loved ones through these phases, so I understand if you haven't yet reached out. Even if you feel you don't have anyone who really cares, you have me. It may feel strange to you that I care about a person that I don't know and have never met. But weirdly enough, I do. I feel deeply connected to you because I have gone through a lot of ups and downs in life (more downs than ups in rec...

 Acceptance is something I have struggled with a lot in the past 3.5 years after my Dad's stroke. Somewhere around last year, I fully accepted this event in my life. I made my peace with it. I even saw it as a blessing. I was able to appreciate how this seemingly catastrophic event forced me to take a long hard look at my life and make changes. It was the beginning of a new life for me, and as difficult as the journey was, I feel truly grateful for all of it. To say that it has been transformative is an understatement. I have grown into a much kinder, wiser and peaceful human being, and I see that it is not possible to get here without going through what I went through. However, the other side of the acceptance coin still haunts me. How could I accept this event for my father? He was a strong, able, happy person before. And after, it was like the light went out in him. He became a chronically ill, depressed, anxious person, constantly screaming, struggling and in pain. One of my fu...

 I have burrowed my head in self-help books for the past couple of years, and the one theme I found in several of them is this: taking responsibility for whatever shows up in our lives. I found this very hard to accept or internalize, and I often found myself saying:  But this is not my fault! It was so and so who was so awful. Taking responsibility for this means condoning their behavior, and why should I do that?  After my Dad's stroke, I felt that life had been extremely unfair to me. Here were all my friends and peers, enjoying the prime of their lives, traveling, celebrating, and surrounded by parental and familial love. Contrast that to my life: I already had a grueling schedule with my PhD program, and now I had to deal with hospital visits, logistic, and financial woes, not to mention the huge emotional toll. Even when I slept, I had nightmares. I was at the lowest point in my entire life, and I couldn't see how things would get better.  And so, when I first ...

It has been three years since that fateful evening in 2021 when my father had a stroke. It is not the stroke itself that I struggled with, but all that it unearthed. It felt like a churning of the seas, and so much good and bad came out of it. Things I had never known, things I had never been aware of, things I had taken for granted, and so much more. As more and more stuff surfaced, I felt overwhelmed by the furor. It was almost as if I couldn't breathe, as if I was drowning in the turbulence. I felt an intense need to work on myself, to understand who I really was, and what I was meant to do in this world. It has been three years since I embarked on that quest, and it has changed how I look at the world in so many ways. As one of my favorite poets T. S. Eliot says:  We shall not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring. Will be to arrive where we started. And know the place for the first time. Today, I write about one of the things I have struggled with the most i...

December happens to be my birth month, and I take this time to reflect on all that life has brought my way. This year, like so many recent ones, has felt like a total roller-coaster. I have been through the lowest of the lows, and the highest of the highs. This post is my attempt at chronicling my experiences and perspective. The first thing I am grateful for is always my family. I spent an entire summer abroad, away from family for the first time in my life this year, and this made me realize how lucky and blessed I am to have these people around and so close by. My husband is the first person I think of in this inner circle, and his presence in my life has transformed it in so many ways over the past six years. He makes me want to be the best version of myself, and at the end of the day, he is what adds meaning to my life and all its struggles. My parents have always been there for me in their own way, and I owe my strength, independence, and resilience in large part to their very un...

 I met Ginger and Pepper 6 years ago in November on my first visit to my in-laws' place in Mysore. I'd always loved dogs but had never had any of my own, and these two instantly won over my heart. Ginger was in the prime of her life, a brown indie with soulful eyes and an insatiable need for belly rubs. I was initially skittish around her, but gradually I let my guard down. She would excitedly pounce on me the moment I stepped in, and after a couple of minutes of running and jumping, would promptly plonk down at my feet asking for a belly rub. I delighted in petting her, in the deep rumbling noises of contentment she made, and the happy licks she gave me. Pepper was around the same age, a border collie mix with the softest fur and the sweetest temperament, and she greeted me with the same enthusiasm. Spending time with these two dogs was always the highlight of my visit to Mysore, and I always thought of them as part of my family. Although I did not know then, my time with Pepp...